Does it even MATTER?

Recently, one of my children went through a planned operation which will benefit her greatly in the long-term. Her recovery has been incredibly smooth, thankfully. However, what it also did was require me to reduce my typically wider focus on the various personal and work-related activities I like to be involved with.

I am built to be in a role that is multi-faceted and have a routine that is constantly changing – I love it that way in fact! I enjoy jumping from mediation to coaching call, or from advisory conversations to training workshops.

The week of my daughter’s operation, however, I knew that my focus needed to be restricted to one thing again – being ‘mum’. Yes, I still worked but only on the things that did not require too much of my concentration and allowed me to keep most of my focus on my responsibilities within the ‘mum’ role.

Let me be clear, the title of this article is not how I feel about my work. I see and experience the positive impact of my mediation, coaching and training work all the time.  What I would like to explore in this article is how easy it is to get caught up on those things which – when time is taken to reflect – matter less than our unexplored emotions initially led us to believe.

In a mediation, an individual may start with a few goals in mind, which are often related to the other person doing something different following the mediation or verbally acknowledging ‘what happened’. However, as they move through the process, you can see their priorities becoming clearer and shifting towards what they really want. Which tends to be about the relationship, building trust, or feeling valued.

A common element that people can easily get hung up on is determining specifics around an event – particularly if they do not agree. That may seem perfectly reasonable right? Yet, any experienced mediator reading this will understand the considerable barrier this can be to a conflict resolution process.

Everyone’s version of an event is different. And, even if they do not realise it, every time they think back to their ‘memory’ of an event, it often shifts a little too. So, though there may be some elements that are worth clarifying or providing context too, unless there is irrefutable evidence about what objectively happened, getting caught up on the different versions will only create circular conversations and very little resolution.

Most people want positive and peaceful relationships, so it would be a real shame if the thing getting in the way of peace ends up being something that they do not value as much as they thought. Whether that is being 'right' about a situation or hearing the other person say they are incredible at their job...

In a coaching or training scenario, the same can be true. People may have thought and thought about this frustrating ‘thing’ but after exploring the topic a little more, it often becomes clear that that ‘thing’ is not the real issue. A coaching client may start by discussing a boundary that after some exploration they determine they need to adjust or approach in a different way.

“How did you feel when that happened?”

The above question is a powerful one for understanding why something matters or not. Knowing how you felt when someone behaved a certain way or said something that stayed with you is sometimes the route to the next step… Determining why those emotions came up.

A feeling left unexplored can lead to a conclusion based on partial information – that can sometimes be attributed to mixing up causation with correlation.

For example:

a)     Person A feels upset when Person B gives them feedback on their performance. Simply because Person A feels upset, does not mean that Person B behaved in an unreasonable manner that an objective observer would say ‘caused’ Person A to feel upset. Most people do not enjoy hearing critique, even if delivered respectfully.

b)     Person C felt sad when leaving their old company. Those sad feelings do not automatically indicate they should not have left. One of many other potential reasons could be that they are sentimental about the good moments they had experienced there.

c)     Person D felt mistrusting of Person E’s intentions. Yes, Person E may be giving ‘untrustworthy vibes’. It may equally be because Person D has experienced tricky situations when people in the past have broken their trust.

The right space and setting enable an individual to take a step back and consider their feelings, what led to them, what thoughts those feelings provoked, what conclusions they then came to. Without the space and setting that makes room for greater clarity, it is understandable for someone to hold on to a belief or frustration which, to an objective observer, might seem unnecessary or unreasonable.

This is why a neutral specialist makes sense for facilitating a mediation which involves challenge, introspection, and problem-solving.

Why gentle and insightful coaching questions offer the opportunity for deeper reflection in a way that a chat with a friend does not.

And it is also why engaging in training activities that take people away from routine and encourage creativity, open-mindedness, and self-reflection widen an individual’s perspective beyond the specific message delivered by the trainer.

Taking time out of the daily routine to explore what you think, feel, and want is not an unproductive activity. In fact, when I took back more of my time to focus on supporting my daughter through her operation and recovery, my work did not suffer – it was the better for it. I returned to my regular hours with greater focus, determination, and conviction. I know that my work matters, and which makes it worth all the effort.

What really matters to you?  If you are not sure, how will you find the time and space to get clear on what does matter?

Get in touch with Mosaic Mediation to discuss your workplace relationships and explore whether  coaching,  training, or  mediation (or a combined approach) would be suitable for your situation.  Emma Jenkings, founder of Mosaic Mediation, is an accredited workplace mediator, SEND mediator, DISC practitioner, conflict coach, mediator mentor, and interpersonal skills trainer. Enquire by emailing  enquiries@mosaicmediation.co.uk or going to the  ‘Contact’ page.