A Problem Shared
The benefits of conflict coaching
Last weekend was a joyful celebration of my parent’s 40th wedding anniversary. Much of the weekend was taken up with preparing and decorating, and then the celebration itself. A couple of hours into the party, I suddenly felt very tired – partially due to the busyness of the weekend I’m sure, but actually the feeling began when I suddenly realised how much time and effort the packing away would take.
Particularly so because it seemed only a few of us would have been left, alongside my parents, to tidy up and take all the decorations down – considering the hours it took to put it all up, this was a task I did not relish!
However, some of our very kind guests decided not to leave at the official finish time, instead staying behind to help. What a difference it made! I’m sure it halved our packing up time, but in addition, it was a huge boost to my spirits.
As the saying goes, “A problem shared is a problem halved.”
In the UK, across dispute specialisms, there has been an intriguing rise in the request for conflict coaching in recent years and I wonder whether the above saying might provide an indication as to why this is happening.
In a conflict situation – whether it is commercial, workplace, community or family – there is an often-apparent sense of disconnection from those involved.
An individual may feel very obviously disconnected from the other person directly involved in the dispute. And they may also feel disconnected from most people in their circle - those who may be prevented from discussing it, those who do not know how to manage such conversations and be useful to them, or from people who simply do not understand their experience.
The experience of speaking to someone who knows you, or who is neither naturally nor professionally competent in listening skills is entirely distinct from a conflict coaching experience.
Especially, as talking to someone who would typically be on your side, tends to become a gossip-style venting session – rather than one which will lead to a constructive outcome. (See the blog post ‘He said, She said’ for more on the impact of gossip.)
Like other forms of coaching, conflict coaching is not a forum for the ‘coach’ to agree with the individual’s position, nor to advise them on the best course of action. It does, however, offer the opportunity for that individual to truly be listened to, without judgement.
Trained conflict coaches tend also to be trained in mediation skills. Coming in with mediation experience means they are unlikely to be shocked by conflict coaching situations and will also be trained in several conflict management techniques which would help an individual reflect, consider alternative perspectives, and explore options for improving the situation.
Consider a scenario in which your close friend is involved in a really challenging dynamic with someone at work or with a neighbour. Typically, the expectation of your role would be to reassure your friend and champion them – probably, also providing justification for their actions whilst demonising the behaviour of the other person.
Though this role expectation is understandable and might naturally meet a desire of the individual to feel justified – particularly if they are already feeling somewhat insecure or isolated by the situation - the role of a friend innately is missing a vital element in conflict resolution. The power of objectivity.
The ability to be objective, presents an opportunity to metaphorically ‘step back’ from a situation and focus on the core issues, instead of what is to be disliked about the other person. I will often refer to ‘zooming in and out’ with my clients:
· Zooming in – is beneficial for truly understanding what led to the current situation and what lies beneath the behaviours we see. What are the underlying beliefs, misconceptions or partial information?
· Zooming out – considers the wider perspective on the events, including the perspective of the other person. What is the root cause of the issue, and what is required to improve the situation – irrespective of trying to apportion blame or judgement?
When someone is connected to the individual or has not developed the skills essential to perform a neutral role when discussing a conflict – i.e. someone may not be involved with the person but may insert their own opinions or project what they experienced in a different situation on to the present one – it is unlikely to provide the environment required for an individual to truly reflect on their part, become more open-minded, or determine how to effectively navigate the situation.
What most conflict coaches and mediators will attest to is the significance of a conflict coaching or pre-mediation call. Others may jump straight to a mediated conversation, but they are then missing out on the impact these calls have on each individual and the situation itself.
In my experience, these initial calls tend to start with the individual saying “I don’t know where to start”, but as soon as they are made to feel comfortable to share their thoughts and experience, most could keep talking way beyond the call time. In fact, many are surprised by themselves – at how much they have been holding in and the relief they feel by the end.
In recent years, in fact, I spend much more time in the build-up to a mediation, having noted the difference it makes to an individual to have focused time during which they feel heard and are prompted to explore what is really at the root of the issue… without judgement.
In some cases, conflict coaching may take place instead of mediation – either because the other person is not willing to mediate, or because the nature of the conflict coaching session is to mentally and/or emotionally process a past situation. (See the blog post – ‘Resolving Conflict – Without Mediation’.)
Whatever leads to conflict coaching, the result is positive for the vast majority. Individuals go from a state of feeling ‘stuck’, hopeless, disconnected, and unheard, to receiving specialised coaching time, during which they are listened to and empowered with conflict management techniques.
So, though every situation is unique, you may now appreciate why I truly believe that a problem shared through conflict coaching is likely to halve the burden – or at least release the burden of pent-up emotions or feeling of disconnection significantly.
To learn more about conflict coaching and how it might be utilised to improve a current dispute or process a past conflict situation, make an enquiry HERE or email: enquiries@mosaicmediation.co.uk . Author, Emma Jenkings, is an accredited workplace and SEND mediator, a trained conflict coach, mediator mentor, DISC practitioner, and conflict resolution skills trainer, and founder of Mosaic Mediation. Sign up to receive the monthly newsletter by email HERE.
