Know thyself
How being self-aware improves relationships and benefits self-development
“Know Thyself” - These famous words are more than just an ancient Greek maxim. The words were written at the entrance to the Temple of Apollo in Delphi – a reminder to those who entered to know their limits. Plato expanded the meaning of the phrase to encourage understanding ourselves.
I have previously written about the importance of accountability with other people, but in this article, I wanted to focus on the impact of either accepting or not acknowledging traits we possess.
Firstly, let us look at the original interpretation of the ‘Know thyself’ maxim…
By knowing ‘thyself’ you begin to build confidence in what you can do, and you learn to know your limits. Knowing your limits is a powerful thing! If you want to be someone with healthy boundaries, you first need to recognise at what point and in what way those boundaries will benefit you and your relationships.
If someone is in conflict with another person around feeling taken advantage of in terms of their workload, they benefit from knowing what their limits are. For example, if they realise that when they work until 9pm every night, they feel burned out and taken advantage of, they can start putting boundaries in place which restrict how late they have to work until.
I am regularly made aware of the impact work or home pressures have on relationships in the other setting. If the person does not know their limits, they could start attributing their feelings to something which is unrelated. So, the issue becomes far more complicated and difficult to resolve than it might otherwise have been.
Now, let’s look at the wider interpretation of fully understanding ‘thyself’…
How often do you hear phrases such as "that was out of character" or "that was not me"?
I find it fascinating to notice that those phrases often come about following behaviours that the individual wishes to distance themselves from – in terms of how they identify, and others perceive them. Perhaps, they said something they regretted or reacted aggressively.
You generally do not hear people say “that wasn’t me!” following socially approved behaviours, even if it was an equally rare behaviour for them as the potentially ‘negative’ behaviours.
In both mediation and as a DISC practitioner, individuals will talk about how they see themselves and it is interesting to see where their perception of themselves aligns with their DISC report or the feedback from the other person.
Typically, with a DISC report, every delegate feels very aligned with what they read, especially after talking it through with them. In a dispute, however, it is interesting to notice what feedback each person is willing to consider, and from whom they are willing to hear it.
I see a self-defence mechanism kick in during conflict which can leads to an individual framing their own behaviour in a justifiable way – other factors influenced them, or they believed this ‘thing’, or “I wasn’t myself”. Yet, they tend not to offer the same grace to the person/people in the dispute.
I know that in DISC workshops, generally the individuals are not feeling defensive. Plus, they know the DISC profiles were generated by their answers and a clever algorithm. So, they believe the report they are reading is totally objective and there is an openness to be reflective and acknowledge their traits.
In a dispute, I also am aware of a vulnerability that comes from being concerned about how other people see them and desire to have some control over that narrative. Individuals are often worried that other people might believe they are a ‘bad person’ or ‘unkind’. In their view, it is apparent that if they were to accept the feedback from the other person, it may have an impact on their reputation. And it also feels like a contradiction of how they perceive themselves.
Cognitive dissonance theory proposes that people seek psychological consistency between their expectations of life and the existential reality of the world. If their expectations do not align with the reality they experience, they tend to:
a) Change the behaviour or belief to create more alignment.
b) Justify the behaviour or belief to make it seem that there is more alignment than there may be without the justification.
c) Deny or ignore the information which conflicts with their belief.
So, why do I raise this point?
Without acknowledging what is happening or the impact of it, you lose the opportunity to improve a situation.
Yes, other people may not always provide feedback which is accurate or beneficial. And, sometimes the feedback is accurate but not delivered in a beneficial way! Yet, most of the time feedback is incredibly useful – particularly if we have a ‘blindspot’ about our behaviours and the experience others have of them.
Self-development is only possible when someone acknowledges what they believe, do, and the impact of those behaviours.
Effective conflict resolution is also only possible when someone acknowledges the other person’s perception of the situation and their contribution to it – even if they hold a different perception.
So, if you want to develop your skillset or character, and/or you want to improve your relationships, I recommend you get to know yourself a little better. Whether you do that through coaching, feedback from peers or trusted friends and family, or through a DISC profile, there are so many benefits to getting to “know thyself”.
Would you like to know more about DISC and communication styles? Mosaic Mediation uses DISC as a tool within light-hearted team workshops, one-to-one coaching services, and facilitating difficult conversations, including mediations. Get in touch by emailing enquiries@mosaicmediation.co.uk or visiting our Contact page.
