Reassurance and Boundaries
Tips from a 'Gold-digger'
As someone who has the honour of training people to be accredited mediators, as well as practicing workplace and SEND mediation almost every other working day, I think about conflict a lot. Particularly, I think about what leads to receiving the phone call from a new client to check if their scenario is suitable for mediation.
Many of you reading this will have seen an ‘iceberg’ illustration or two – for conflict or management - which asks this question of the mediator/leader: “What are the needs and interests that people may hold while talking mainly about their rights and positions in a situation?”
As our training highlights, these needs and interests are truly significant.
Understanding them is not just beneficial to be aware of… they also tend to be the key to finding a way forward in conflict too.
Yes, effective communication contributes to positive relationships. And, yes, trust is what helps build or rebuild healthy relationships. But we also need to start a few steps back first to truly discern why communication wasn’t working, what led to damaged trust, and establish what to do about it next.
I recommend that if you want to get to the root of an issue, you need to become a ‘gold-digger’!
Let me break that down a little further… When mining for real gold, there are several steps that you need to go through. The first is going deep underground to dip up rock and dirt. Then, utilise a variety of filtering processes to discover any gold dust camouflaged in the rock.
For workplace mediations that come my way, the referral has most likely been triggered because of the behaviours that are being witnessed and experienced in the workplace. Behaviours and actions are the most prominent parts of any conflict, and I think of behaviours like unprocessed ‘rock’.
Unfortunately, in conflict, these ‘rocky behaviours’ tend to cover up the ‘why’ of the matter – the ‘gold’ hidden in the rock.
You may label this gold as the needs and interests that I referred to earlier. Perhaps, in more informal language, the gold could also be described as underlying fears, hopes and expectations, intentions, and vulnerabilities.
The ‘gold’ in conflict is the human element that we try to get to in any interpersonal conflict.
As, I make clear in my TEDx talk about this topic (‘Discovering the Hidden Gold in Conflict’), the gold does not minimise the need for acknowledgement and accountability for behaviour. Nor does the gold excuse poor behaviours that cause harm.
As you may already agree, it is helpful to consider intention and impact as being distinct elements in conflict – i.e. even if someone had positive intentions, their behaviour still had an impact that requires addressing.
However, understanding the gold leads to a more comprehensive insight into what led to the conflict in the first place. And this understanding presents the information required to also then ‘pave the path’ to resolving the issue and finding a way forward.
So, I recommend the following ‘Goldmining’ method that I use:
- Name the rock – identify the behaviours you are seeing.
- Acknowledge the harsh tone or words, the aggressive body language, the ‘cold shoulder’ behaviours, or sarcasm, for example.
- Look for the gold – don’t stop at noticing and focussing solely on the behaviour but look beyond that.
- What might the intention be? What might feel ‘at threat’ for this person?
- Get curious and proactively set aside preconceived ideas.
- Respond to both
- With reassurance for the gold (the ‘human element’); AND
- With boundaries for the rock (the behaviours).
So often, the response to a behaviour is ineffective at influencing someone to alter their behaviour, because it is dealing with only part of the information.
If a family member or colleague was feeling insecure about their role or relationship, but people only responded to the defensive and rude attitude, it very possibly may reduce that behaviour, but another is likely to spring up in its place while their vulnerability still feels at risk.
If, instead, people respond to the behaviour, whilst offering reassurance for a vulnerability, you are much more likely to see a greater shift in that person. Responding to both means harmful behaviours do not get swept under the proverbial carpet and your response is also more likely to be received.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you are now responsible for diagnosing a person’s psychopathology, personality or intentions. Nor should you think that would help - characterising someone uninvited is a tricky game to play and is unlikely to end well!
However, what I suggest is that it invokes a considerate and respectful curiosity instead, which presents the opportunity for the other person to share their perspective or vulnerabilities if they feel comfortable to do so.
And, even if they choose not to share, I believe that the very process of considering what ‘gold’ may be camouflaged in their ‘rocky behaviours’ is likely to influence how you respond AND reduces how defensive the other person perceives they need to be due to your more thoughtful response.
Sincere reassurance reduces defensiveness. Establishing boundaries shows care for what’s valuable to you and protects against behaviours that could cause harm. Maintaining those boundaries and establishing reasonable expectations fosters healthy and positive interactions for the short-term and long-term.
So, in your gold-digging, respond to both the gold and the rock. I’m sure you will be pleasantly surprised with what you discover in the process.
Emma Jenkings is an experienced mediator, mediator mentor, conflict and assertiveness coach, peaceful leadership coach, DISC practitioner and TEDx Speaker. For the full TEDx video, go to: 'Discovering the Hidden Gold in Conflict' . For support with any of Mosaic Mediation’s services, enquire HERE.
