Put it in the Past

Let us start with a quote from my favourite characters from the ‘The Lion King’ film:

Pumbaa: “It's like my buddy Timon always says: you got to put your behind in your past.”

Timon: “No, no no... It's 'You got to put your past behind you.' ”

As we come to the end of one year and look to the start of a new one, you will begin to hear people reflect on the year that has been. Some will focus on all the good, others will consider what they learned from the year’s challenges, some might only see what ‘went wrong’ and others will just want to forget this year and think about next year.

At the start of a workplace mediation, it is common for a party to ask, “But we’re not going to keep digging up the past, are we?” This totally relevant and reasonable question does not come with a clear-cut answer most of the time. They want to 'hakuna matata' the situation away and put the past behind them... but without actually discussing it productively first.

In the years I have studied and specialised in conflict resolution, I have yet to see effective, long-term conflict resolution accomplished by pretending the past did not happen.

The experience we have of someone and our perception of their character and competence impacts the metaphorical ‘lens’ through which we view their words, actions and intentions. We form judgements based on what we believe happened in the past.

However, I think the above question is really asking, “Are we going to stay stuck in the past?”

Whether the process is mediation or conflict coaching, the past is relevant due to how it informs an individual’s mindset. Having said that, it is not constructive to stay focused on the past, because it prevents progress in conflict resolution.

There are several reasons why people might find it hard to put their issues in the past:

1.     The main one in my opinion… The person feels their experience has not been acknowledged.

2.     Believing the other person owes them a sincere apology – they may have received ‘an apology’ but it is likely to bother them still if the apology – or behaviour since - did not seem sincere.

3.     They have not seen behaviour which would have rebuilt trust following a past error.

4.     They find it difficult to trust due to their previous life experience – regardless of the actions of the other person in this scenario.

5.     They do not want to move on.

The final reason may seem a little hopeless and, unfortunately, some people find it really unsettling to change the dynamics of a relationship. I have seen this happen often when someone has become quite wedded to the feeling of being ‘the victim’ in the situation. Resolving the issue necessitates a shift in how they see themselves and the other person. They might also have played a part in the situation, which they do not want to acknowledge.

Trust is a vital part of moving on from a dispute and ‘leaving it in the past’ because conflict resolution is blocked by a lack of trust – or the refusal to extend trust. It may be that someone has apologised but their behaviour does not demonstrate remorse or sustainable improvement, so the person who received their apology is only able to rely on the past negative experience of the person.

Similarly, when someone has experienced damaged trust with other people and has not seen enough effort in conflict resolution, it understandably might lead to a reluctance to extend trust to the other person in the current situation.

The most common reason that I notice for people focusing on the past in conflict coaching and workplace mediation is the sense that their experience has not been listened to or verbally acknowledged; or, that they are still missing out on a sincere apology.

Therefore, even if they have already discussed what happened or the other person has apologised, if they still have a sense that the other person does not fully understand the impact of their actions or value the person’s feelings enough to make changes, the conclusion to those past interactions will not be satisfactory. So, they keep bringing it up!

My approach with clients is to find a middle ground: we do not ignore the past or sweep things under the rug, but we remember that past-related conversations benefit from having a constructive reason behind them.

Sometimes, a conversation about the past becomes circular due to having differing versions of the same event – a very common situation! And, without having a human-interactions version of the ‘VAR’ (a ‘Video Assistant Referee’ in English football) – which I could not see being a positive thing – trying to argue someone into believing your version of what happened when their memory convinces them otherwise does little to move the situation on.

I consider two questions:

1.     “If we do not talk about this, can someone truly move on?”

2.     “If we do talk about this, how is it discussed to enable both individuals to move forward?”

Talking about the past is useful, constructive and peace-making if one or more of the below justifications apply:

-         It offers clarity about the reasoning behind someone’s actions

-         It clears up a misunderstanding

-         It enables greater understanding between people

-         It provides a reference for making wise decisions about the future

-         It helps one or both individuals feel heard and valued – and opens the conversation up to any necessary acknowledgement, apology or clarification.

So, as you look forward to the new year, I invite you to consider how much of the past you choose to take with you and how much you choose to leave behind. Because, regardless of your decision, remember that the past is rarely entirely forgotten and, a difficult situation left unresolved does not go away by itself. And also know that you do not have to manage the situation or find closure about the past on your own.

For more information about how conflict coaching can help process challenging relationships or difficult interactions, and develop conflict management skills, get in touch or learn more about conflict coaching HERE. Emma Jenkings is a trained conflict coach, workplace mediator, SEND mediator, MHFA, DISC practitioner, interpersonal skills trainer, and the founder of Mosaic Mediation.