Now I Can

Recently, my fourteen-year-old daughter began singing lessons.

For years, she has had a beautiful voice, practising regularly to develop her vocal ability. As a singer myself, from a musical family, I have been able to support her efforts by providing encouragement and tips along the way.

However, recently she wanted to get more serious about her singing voice and asked to take up lessons. We quickly saw a difference in her, both in terms of the quality of her voice and her confidence. I was proud to support her with foundational skills… and relieved that formal training would develop her beyond what I could do in the role of ‘Mum’, without formal training myself.

Formal training does more than just provide a set of skills.

Several years ago – before I trained in mediation – I felt completely stuck in the middle, with no way out.

There was a situation in an organisation which led to a breakdown in trust and communication, and I was devastated. I cared about people on both ‘sides’ and my vague understanding of mediation as a concept felt inadequate.

Though I had wanted to train as a mediator before this – having previously focused on ‘mediation’ as the topic for my law degree dissertation and my ongoing interest in it after watching so many people go through their cases when I worked at the employment tribunal.

Yet, this experience of simply not knowing how to make things better between people spurred me on to do something about it.

Time and again, people in organisations are asked to sort out an issue because they understand other people-related processes – whether through their management or HR experience, or doing a module on ‘conflict resolution’ as part of a course. (Though they feel insufficiently equipped to do so.)

I know so many now-trained mediators who were previously put in a situation to mediate without the support of formal mediation training, and the most common phrases I hear from them now are:

1.     “I just wish I had trained earlier”

2.     “Now I know what a ‘real’ mediation is supposed to look like!”

For me, learning how to mediate was not just about learning skills for my professional development, but it also gave me a sense of empowered capability. I knew that if I were to encounter a future situation of conflict, even if it were not necessary for me to play the role of ‘mediator’, I would now feel that I could help if I had to!

My concern is not just about how wrong mediation can go when someone has not got the skillset or essential formal mediator training but also the impact of that situation on the individual ‘mediating’ – during and afterwards.

Without training, someone might think the directed two or three hours would be enough for a comprehensive mediation session. So, they may place – or accept - responsibility for an unsatisfactory outcome wholly on themselves, without realising that the norm is to allow a day (just for the joint conversation part).

Similarly, they may attempt to mediate a situation that they are too ‘close’ to and experience the reason why one of the core mediation principles is neutrality – not just in terms of that person’s capability to facilitate with neutrality, but also in terms of the parties’ perception of their neutrality.

Also, let us not forget that mediation can be very intense! I would not expect a talented pastry chef to be thrust into a fast-paced fast-food restaurant without experiencing some internal discomfort. So, why do we expect people who are talented at one process to – without the support of training – to feel comfortable in a mediated conversation between people in a heightened emotional state, divulging personal information (often regarding their mental health), working through trust issues and feeling very little hope about resolving any issues with the other person?

So many people practising mediation without formal training have incredible conflict resolution skills. They may naturally be good at facilitating conversations or have trained in coaching skills. But just as my daughter’s formalised training was building on a good foundation from my initial support and I had to know the limits of what I could offer, so too it is important to recognise the limitations of experience and common sense within a mediation process.

What mediation training offers (beyond just the skills):

-         An understanding of mediation ‘best practice’ – in terms of the process, and the mediation principles and their application.

-         ‘Real-life’ insight from mediator-trainers about their experiences of techniques, challenges and learnings.

-         Practising mediation skills under the guidance of supportive trainers and learning from feedback.

-         Understanding when and how to use coaching skills – and when it is not suitable.

-         The opportunity for ongoing mentorship and support.

-         Development of listening, questioning, coaching, and other communication skills.

-         Guidance on self-development and essential practices for the mediator’s wellbeing.

-         An understanding of conflict which benefits personal relationships as well as professional ones!

I am convinced that my mediation skills have better equipped me to be a parent of two. Learning about the theory of conflict and practice of conflict resolution skills have given me a confidence and insight into relationships that has empowered me way beyond my professional role as a mediator.

Whatever you find a challenge right now, training in it may be the key to unlocking your next opportunity and gifting…?

If you are interested in becoming a mediator, and become confident and equipped to say, “Now, I can!”, what are you waiting for?

Emma Jenkings is an accredited workplace & SEND mediator, conflict coach, mediator mentor, DISC practitioner, and interpersonal skills trainer, and founder of Mosaic Mediation. Emma is also a Director of CLA Mediation & Training Ltd who provide CMC-accredited workplace mediation training. Find out more about workplace mediation training HERE.

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