Give It Up

At the time of writing, it is ‘Pancake Day’ in England. This fun lemon-and-sugar delicious event, also referred to as ‘Shrove Tuesday’, marks the day before Lent begins in the Christian calendar – a period of 40 days where Christians around the world will fast, pray, and reflect, in the build-up to Easter.

At the same time, Ramadan, a season in the Muslim faith is also happening – involving a month of spiritual reflection, self-improvement, heightened devotion, worship, and fasting.

During this time, people who participate in Lent or Ramadan will engage with daily activities in a different way. Some may not be eating at the same times and others may proactively alter their routine, giving up certain foods or habits.

It got me thinking about the significance of continuing or changing habits within a ‘peace-making’ process.

Having regularly given up chocolate for Lent, I am aware of the physical and psychological process that I go through – how ridiculous it feels to use such terms about eating chocolate! It so easily becomes an embedded part of my daily routine, to have a bit of chocolate every day. My husband can easily predict what dessert I will choose from a restaurant menu.

Several years ago, it was the very first day of Lent and I met with another friend for a day out. She and I had just been talking about me ‘giving up’ chocolate for Lent moments before I quickly went to purchase a snack. Guess what I came back with?! It was only when my friend wryly smiled and pointed at my chocolatey purchase, that what I had done registered with me. But, habits are a tricky thing to change.

When people are in dispute, there are few habits which influence how the situation develops:

1.  How the individuals instinctively behave and communicate

2.  The beliefs each person has about how other people ‘should’ behave and communicate

3.  The pattern of communicating and conclusion-forming between them

Instinct

It will not be a new subject for me to raise the differences that exist between people in terms of how they communicate and behave. As a DISC Practitioner, I naturally look for traits that might indicate someone’s communication style. I know that by knowing more about someone’s communication style, I am more likely to provide the amount or type of information that the person is looking for and engage with them in a way that builds trust and rapport.

We all have traits that may seem neutral or positive to us but are a source of frustration or bafflement to others. This is a common challenge between colleagues in an organisation – hence why communication comes up so frequently within workplace disputes that are referred for mediation.

Some traits are objectively fine - i.e. not unethical, illegal, or fundamentally unkind - but if a trait has become habitual and it is impacting someone's life or workplace relationships, there may cause for them to examine whether there is a benefit to adjusting or adapting a habit in certain ways or for specific contexts.

The ‘Shoulds’

From my experience, what we do, we expect.

In other words, an expectation regarding how we consciously or subconsciously believe other people should behave or communicate tends to form based on how and why we behave or communicate a certain way.

For example, imagine someone with a communication style that seeks security in relationships, thereby intentionally listening more than speaking and taking great effort to find consensus in a team. Their ‘should’ belief is likely to be that others should listen and not make decisions without making sure everyone is happy with it.

Unfortunately, in this scenario, the other person is unaware of their ‘should’ belief - and, even if they were, would disagree. Their communication style favours directness and decisiveness. When they are convinced about the ‘right’ action to take, that is enough reason to decide. Of course, they expect if anyone has a better idea, that person should address it directly with them.

Even if we are not looking at differences in communication styles, the ‘should’ beliefs are an influencing factor within a conflict, perhaps based on someone’s life experience, their family set-up, their previous work experience, their culture or the beliefs they grew up with. This ‘should’ belief could relate to opening the door for someone, prioritising being on time, workplace expectations, avoiding tricky topics, etc.

When someone has a ‘should’ belief about another person, it is likely to create internal frustration if that person does not comply with that ‘should’ – regardless of whether the other person is aware of this expectation!

These ‘should’ beliefs are often so embedded that they become difficult to challenge or change – much like other habits.

The Pattern

When people interact with each other a few times, they may fall into a pattern of communication.

This may be a peaceful pattern whereby they listen with curiosity to each other, and they assume the best of the other person, and they communicate with sensitivity and honesty. If issues crop up, they address it peacefully – able to take accountability when necessary.

It may, however, form a pattern which does nothing to enhance their relationship – when the other person says something which feels uncomfortable or unkind, rather than addressing it peacefully, they just get more and more annoyed, and communicate passive aggressively. The other person is unaware how the other person feels about their communication but is frustrated by the passive-aggressive communication they are receiving from them.

In the second instance, though they are interacting, the communication is ineffective. AND… unless something changes that pattern of communication, nothing will improve.

Sometimes, the pattern works for each person for a time but then one or both fall out of love with that form of communicating. For example, sometimes we develop a light-hearted dynamic with each person insulting the other without causing offense. However, if someone is going through a particularly difficult time or those insults feel a little too personal, there is a sense that the dynamic needs to now change.

Giving It Up

We all have things about us that are inherent to who we are and what forms our unique personality. So, I write this next section with a caution that I do not want anyone to think that they need to become someone different.

As it is believed Oscar Wilde said, "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."

There are some habits, however, that we all have that we probably know are impacting us or our relationships in a negative way. Perhaps, they are ‘blind spot’ habits that other people have been attempting to highlight.

When something is a habit, it has become embedded in how we live, behave or communicate. So, it is worth asking ourselves the question, “How much do I want this habit to form part of who I am?”

If you recognise that, as an example, though you want to still communicate honestly and clearly, you know that at times a habit of directness can come across as uncaring - and you want people to know that you care – continuing with this habit is unlikely to contribute positively to those relationships.

Or perhaps the habit is assuming the worst of people? Whatever this habit is, if in answering the above question, you want to address this habit or replace it, here is my follow-up question:

“What do you need to give up or adapt, making space for a habit that will serve you and your relationships in a better way?”

Do you want to know more about what is available to enhance interpersonal skills or find a peaceful conclusion to a dispute, get in touch HERE. Emma Jenkings is a trained conflict coach, workplace mediator, SEND mediator, MHFA, DISC practitioner, interpersonal skills trainer, and the founder of Mosaic Mediation.

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