How NOT to Apologise

The Steam Train

Have you ever seen a clip of a train barrelling through an object on the track? The train is there, and milliseconds later has passed and has squashed into smithereens, whatever was in its path. This can be the effect of a steam train apology – the person apologises quickly and briefly, and then is ready for everyone to move on straight away! The remaining feelings of hurt or the natural consequences of behaviour impacting someone are minimised and moved past as quickly as possible.

So, the apologiser leaves feeling satisfied that they apologised but the ‘apologisee’ (my word) still feels a little confused, not quite ready to put the situation in the past, and not quite sure why that apology felt so unsatisfactory as they technically said ‘sorry’.

The Shirker

Here enters the debate on context versus excuses! I would argue that sometimes it is beneficial for someone apologising to provide context for their actions – especially if it demonstrates their intention or corrects misunderstandings, without minimising the impact of their actions. 

However, the shirker apologises and in the next breath tells you why they are only a tiny bit responsible for what happened because of all the other people who also contributed and other situational factors too. 

This often happens because someone wants the other person not to hold them accountable beyond what they consider to be ‘fair’ or they simply find apologising entirely uncomfortable and confronting.

The Persuader

This is one where the intention can become a little skewed because the apologiser MAY feel a sense of remorse, but the action of the apology comes with attachments. They want their apology to result in the person they are apologising to do something in response.

For example, someone may apologise hoping that by doing so, the other person would help them with a project, lend them some money, return to work, etc.

An apology with attachments totally undermines the initial sense of sincerity and therefore again leaves the other person feeling bewildered and not sure how to receive it.

The Elaborator

If you were in any doubt, the elaborator makes sure you hear ‘sorry’ multiple times in many ways. But why is that a problem?!

Well, unfortunately, it is a ‘quality over quantity’ scenario. If you can genuinely apologise the first time, yes, the other person may need to hear that more than once – particularly if the trust was damaged significantly by the actions – but the elaborator can focus so much on saying the words and making the gestures, that they stop noticing whether that is having a beneficial impact on the other person and the situation. 

In fact, it can start looking like the apologiser is self-soothing through the apologies because they want to feel forgiven and let off the hook.

If you want the other person to feel acknowledged, valued, and to know that it wasn’t OK, what steps will help them feel that way? 

The Collaborator

Similarly, to the persuader, the collaborator wants something in exchange for their apology but it’s pretty specific – they apologise, so the other person needs to as well! In other words, their accountability is part of a joint project, it is not a solo experience.

Yes, there are often two sides to a story, and it is likely that most situations benefit from accountability from everyone for their part in the current situation. However, an apology that cannot stand on its own stops feeling sincere and starts to feel transactional.

The Demonstrator

The controversial one! It is widely accepted that how you behave speaks loudly. However, sometimes behaviour alone is not enough to satisfy a person’s need for clear acknowledgement, in the form of a verbal or written apology.

Sometimes, you really need to just say it! Firstly, because behaviour can quite easily be misinterpreted and, secondly, because it can be incredibly healing when someone specifically acknowledges what they did and the impact of their actions.

So, absolutely, please focus on the behaviours you exhibit after an apology to demonstrate sincerity and a desire to build trust. Just remember that most people benefit from both!