10 Strategies For Working With Difficult People

Everyone can think of a ‘difficult’ person that they work with. We all have our own quirks that irritate other people. However, some people behave in a way that REALLY irritates or frustrates other people at work. Do the following traits make you think of anyone?

• Constantly complaining or being negative
• Being lazy or uncooperative
• Undermining or criticising other people
• Being consciously incompetent
• Refusing to listen to good advice
• Behaving inappropriately

Let’s look at the possible worst case scenario if difficult behaviours are not challenged:

Constant complaints/negativity :

• Colleagues/management stop listening to or wanting to be around them.
• Individual seen as disruptive to work productivity and not a team player.

Being lazy/uncooperative :

• Colleagues grow resentful towards them and lose respect.
• Difficult to see potential for growth.
• Laziness is often a BIG issue in the workplace – conflict is likely!

Undermining/critical of people :

• Colleagues avoid them, stop listening to their opinion and become defensive around them – conflict is highly likely!
• Colleagues/management become less forgiving of any mistake they make.
• Less likely to be reflective about own deficits

Conscious Incompetency/Behaving inappropriately :

• Management avoid giving responsibilities.
• Colleagues grow resentful and avoid being linked to their behaviour.
• Organisation will resent wasted time and money spent in the hope of improvement.

Refusal to listen :

• People grow resentful and frustrated and stop trying to improve issues/offering advice.
• Individual will become ignorant/arrogant and therefore eventually more incompetent.

The truth is that having someone in the workplace that causes issues is disruptive and only gets worse if left. So what do you do? I would say you need to have a strategy. Why do you need a strategy? Because when you are working in an environment with someone who is negative, lazy, critical or incompetent it is almost guaranteed to create tension and eventually conflict if the situation is not managed effectively. And just to be clear, I am referring to management AND staff. So much of the conflict mediators see is avoidable.

Here are 10 strategies that should help:

1. Find out WHY they behave in that way.
   • Ask how they are doing – there may be stuff they are dealing with that is affecting their behaviour.
   • Avoid accusations; try to clarify what has happened and their perspective on the situation. (‘What’ and ‘how’ questions are less confronting that ‘why did you…’ questions.)
   • Don’t automatically dismiss their opinions. If they are trying to get things right and have a history of being able to make good judgement calls, it may be worth hearing them out, even if their delivery is not your preference. Do they have a point?
2. Show appreciation for achievements! You need to separate the person from their actions. People are not’ all-bad’ nor ‘all-good’! If they do something good it should be acknowledged and appreciated.
   • Be specific – it builds trust and respect.
   • Note what contribution this person makes. It is understandable to get frustrated with those who complain a lot as they are often the ones who contribute the least and have the biggest issues! Yet, if they contribute well, bear that in mind.
3. Don’t ignore the behaviour! The behaviour will not just go away and will continue to impact the workplace and the person’s career potential if it is not addressed. Everyone has ‘stuff’ they need to work on and it should not get to the point of conflict or a disciplinary before it is dealt with.
   • If the person is on your staff, have a conversation and follow Point 1. Those who want to do the right thing will want to understand what they can do to improve a situation. Give them a chance to correct it.
   • If they are a colleague, seek advice from a trusted colleague privately – on the basis that such advice is confidential and that you are seeking genuine advice and not just taking part in office gossip. The first is productive, the other is destructive.
4. Find out what they care about.
   • What are their interests? How can you connect with them? Most people thrive on human connection so finding mutual interests may help to diffuse negativity.
5. Be positive!
   • Focus on moving forward! Don’t assume failure – believe that there is potential for change and improvement. Some people are an exception to this rule but in general MOST people MOST of the time have GOOD intentions. How can you find a way to make it work?
   • If they use a lot of negative language, it is helpful to use language in response that is neutral or positive – without being dismissive about their concerns. Reframe negative comments into being forward-thinking.
6. Make them aware of the potential consequences of their actions.
   • One rule in our family is that our children are not allowed to exclude others, HOWEVER, I do not want my child to be treated badly and think they must just accept it. We have suggested that when someone is being unkind our child can give them the option to play nice or they will find someone else to play with who is being kind. (Our child has no problems saying this!)
     • The reality is that even as adults, the same rules apply. If you don’t play nice, people don’t want to be around you and that less than ideal where a certain amount of teamwork/customer service/employee relations is required. Some people need someone to join the dots between their behaviour and the result?
     • What drives them? Is their behaviour stopping them from achieving their goals? See Point 4 a) – Seeing that their behaviour may stop them from achieving a goal may motivate a change.
7. Be clear on what the issue is! Remember the issue is NOT the person. Separate the person from the behaviour/issue.
   • Make sure the issue is not actually YOUR issue and not theirs! Some people have habits which are irritating but it is not actually having an impact on anything but our sensitivity to it. If the issue is YOURS, recognise that and move on.
   • Check whether the ‘difficult one’ is not actually YOU! (Remember that those who notice the errors in others the most are normally the ones who have many issues of their own they should be dealing with first!) Make sure you are being kind and reasonable. We are all difficult in some way – bear that in mind when judging others.
8. Be tolerant of differences!
   • This sounds obvious and yet most people find it very difficult to work with others who have a different approach to them. Be aware of your natural inclination to want things done as you would have done it and be open to being pleasantly surprised.
9. Be clear on bullying, harassment and discrimination! Such attitudes or behaviours are unacceptable and need to be addressed.
   • Banter = all sides being OK with the joking. Bullying = knowing someone is upset about what’s being said to them and wilfully carrying on. Paramhansa Yogananda said “Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others”. Banter is only funny if you aren’t causing damage.
   • This is not about trying to make everything ‘politically correct’ – this is about human decency and being a team player. It will pay dividends in the end.
10. Be aware of any psychological health issues . Anything that is related to a psychological issue should be dealt with appropriately and sensitively.
    • I am not saying that bad behaviours should be accepted, rather that the reason behind them should be considered when dealing with the issue.

**PLEASE NOTE: There is a difference between those who want to get things right and those who want things done their way (without providing justification or contribution to the process)**

If their behaviour issue is minor, their intentions are good, they contribute and they are trying to stand up for their principles, is the issue worth a mention? Sometimes so-called ‘difficult people’ are the ones who get things done and refuse to go with the flow if it means losing their integrity. We need such people in this world. If, on the other hand they just want to get their own way, their behaviour is hard to justify. In ‘Transaction Analysis’ terms, this person is being the child which is less than ideal in a workplace situation (or any situation which requires effective communication!).

So, if you must deal with a difficult person daily, take note of the above strategies. If YOU are the ‘difficult one’, be aware of what difficult behaviours might put others off you and try to manage those tendencies. Difficult behaviour is much easier to forgive if the intention is good.

Sometimes, you need a neutral third party to facilitate such a conversation – particularly things have already gone sour. If you have any questions or queries about how a mediator could resolve this, please get in contact through my Contact page or by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk.