Banter Without The Backlash

Everyone wants to enjoy work as much as they can but it’s a delicate balance to enjoy some gentle banter with colleagues but also knowing where the line is where words or actions become offensive. We hear all the time about how ‘politically correct’ our society has become and how easily everyone gets offended – which is sometimes the case.

People are at work for a large percentage of their lives so of course they want to enjoy their time there as much as possible. Banter is a great way for a lot of people to have a good time at work. It tends to keep the morale high and the atmosphere light-hearted. (Remember, the cost in time and money that comes from tension and conflict.)

If someone does get it wrong though, the consequences can be very damaging. The last thing any organisation wants is to have an accusation of bullying in the workplace. If there is a culture of such behaviour going unchallenged, at some point it will become an issue that you are forced to deal with. It is also worth noting that if one person feels this way, the likelihood of others sharing the same feelings is high. Disgruntled employees do not make for productive employees. Prevention is much better than having to unlearn behaviours and change the workplace culture entirely.

There is a distinction between banter and ‘bullying’, and I would add in additional grey area that I call ‘unintentional offense’. Here is how I would make the distinctions:

• Banter = a playful and friendly reciprocated exchange for the purposes of humour and bonding.

• Bullying = using superior knowledge or positioning to influence or intimidate someone in a way that is deliberate, targeted or malicious.

• Unintentional offense = causing offense or hurt through ignorance, bad judgment or carelessness.

Bullying is extremely damaging to both the person and the workplace environment, especially when the intention is clearly malicious. It damages trust in relationships between management and staff if the issue is not dealt with swiftly and can cause great stress and anxiety to the recipient. ACAS revealed in 2015 that according to research by the charity Family Lives, more than nine out of ten people who were bullied at work felt that their organisation did not deal with bullying adequately, and more than a third said that the bullying had gone on for more than a year.

Often if there is ‘unintentional hurt’, the behaviour is challenged promptly and the true intentions are clarified, the damage can be minimal. If, on the other hand, the person refuses to consider someone else’s feelings and carries on that behaviour regardless of the effect it is having on the other person, that could be a form of bullying.

Equally, ignorance is often seen as a weak defence these days as there are so many resources made available for information and training to both employees and management to educate people on what is appropriate. Some ignorance is genuinely innocent. Sometimes the ignorance is wilful. There is a standard of behaviour in all workplaces which applies to both management and employees, and there is an expectation that a ‘reasonable person’ should be able to judge what may ‘reasonably’ constitute bullying/causing offense.

Sometimes, it is simply a case of bad judgment. When it is a one-off mistake or a joke taken too far, more than likely once the person has been made aware of the impact of their words or actions, they will take steps to (hopefully) apologise or at least to make sure they do not make the same error twice.

So, what should you do to prevent harmless banter turning into harmful behaviours or possibly bullying?

Firstly, if you are in management then it is important to be watchful of what is going on in the workplace. Be aware of people’s situations and their different sensitivities and be open to people coming to you with their concerns. If something is brought to you, don’t be dismissive – even if it seems like a small issue to you! Get to the bottom of why it has bothered them and make sure you take the appropriate steps to ensure all your staff feel comfortable and safe at work. If someone is behaving inappropriately and you do not address it, it is likely to come across to others that you condone the behaviour – or don’t think it is important enough to do something about it.

Secondly, if there is a lot of banter in your workplace, be self-aware AND ‘others-aware’. A lot of schools these days promote the principle that each child has rights which should be respected. But they also maintain that in asserting their own rights, the child must not disrespect another child’s rights. For example, a child has the right to enjoy reading a book but this does not mean they can take that book from another child who already had it. This simple principle is easily applied to the workplace:

You and others around you have the right to make the best of spending your/their day in the workplace by having a laugh and gentle banter. However, neither you nor anyone else have the right to stop someone else from enjoying their day in the workplace, by making them feel uncomfortable or victimised.

Make sure that you are not crossing the line and hurting someone by your words or actions. Not only does such a situation damage relationships and impact morale in the workplace, but it could also have legal and employment ramifications for the organisation and for yourself.

Finally, if you feel hurt or offended by something that has been said or done by a colleague or someone in management, it needs to be addressed. Start by checking first that your perception of what happened is in line with what actually happened and that you weren’t unduly influenced by any pre-existing circumstances, stress or emotions.

One of the things I come across a lot as a mediator is how common it is for people to misunderstand each other. It is very easy to say, “Everyone has different experiences and perceptions.” It is much more difficult for people to apply that to their situation and recognise that different perceptions may lead to miscommunication and therefore unnecessary defensiveness at times. To reiterate what I have said previously, most people most of the time have good intentions! If you perceive that someone is saying something with the intention of causing injury, recognise that this might not be the case. If you perceive that something you said is ‘harmless’, recognise that this might not be the case for the person on the receiving end.

Once, you have determined that the issue is not entirely ‘yours’, decide how comfortable you are to address the issue with the ‘perpetrator’. What is your relationship like with them? How are they likely to react? Do you need to seek advice from someone else first? If you feel unable to speak to them directly, you should talk to your line manager or someone from your HR department.

The damage caused by banter gone wrong, unintentional hurt and even bullying can be limited if it is nipped in the bud quickly and without hostility. If your response is to escalate the situation, it muddies the waters, thereby making it difficult to see what went wrong and who needs to do what to make restitution. Alternatively, if what was said or done has hurt or offended you and your response is to say nothing, please don’t think the feeling will go away by itself. Instead, it will most likely lead to a build-up of resentment, a breakdown in your relationship with other colleagues and a whole heap of defensiveness. Furthermore, reckless or hurtful behaviour that is unchallenged will continue and that helps no one.

So, please enjoy your job, your colleagues and your workplace. If everyone is happy with what is happening, have a laugh and a joke - just don’t let it lead to causing hurt to someone. If you see someone crossing the line, don’t leave behaviour unchallenged – particularly if you are in management!

One of the common reasons people use mediation is because communication between people has gone awry. Unless it is a situation where one party feels afraid of the other, mediation can help figure out what went wrong and what needs to happen to make things better in the future. If you would like to know more please email emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or get in touch via the Contact page.