The Benefits Of Giving The Benefit Of The Doubt

During mediations one thing that can instantly change how someone views the other party is when one side finally understands the other person’s true intentions and the real reasons behind their behaviour. More often than not, simply knowing that someone did not intend to cause harm will significantly change the atmosphere in the room. So often our perceptions are not actually based on a full understanding of the reality of the situation.

Here are some examples:

1. You see someone behaving in an unreasonable, angry way. What do you think of them? Maybe that they are an unreasonable, angry person.
2. You make a big error in a meeting. What do you think of yourself? Maybe that you are not good enough at your job.
3. You suffer from social anxiety and someone doesn’t greet you for a few days in a row. What do you think is the reason? Maybe that they don’t like you or that you have offended them.

What if…

1. The person who behaved unreasonably is actually grieving the loss of a loved one, or marital issues or has anger issues that they are working on but just had a bad day? (Most angry people are actually hurt people)
2. Your mistake led to you learning and improving your performance at work? Or, to improving your company’s procedures to avoid such an error in future?
3. That other person had no idea at all that they hadn’t said “hello” to you? Or, THEY were worried that you don’t like them or that they have offended you so they didn’t want to instigate a conversation?

It is only after having had in depth conversations with other colleagues that I began to understand just how much people are coping with behind the scenes and no wonder it sometimes spills over into their reactions. It is only through challenging my own automatic responses to the mistakes I make that I realise how often I stand in my own way. And it is only through understanding our automatic responses that we realise how often they may colour our perception of the actions of others. So often, people are simply oblivious to how they come across!

All of us have been hurt by others or made mistakes that we instantly regretted. The question is, what do you do next?

So many miscommunications occur simply because one or both people assumed the negative of the other when actually MOST people MOST of the time have good intentions . The key is knowing what your ‘default negative position’ is. My default is to think that people are behaving towards me in a certain way because of something I did wrong. Being aware of this, however, means that when I go to my default negative position I can give myself a reality check. Normally by telling myself to remember that “It’s not always about ME!”. What is your default?

We can develop bad habits without realising it by doing things such as:

• Focusing on the bad and discounting the good (about ourselves, others or situations).
• Fortune-telling – Predicting how a person or situation will always/never be.
• Emotional reasoning – When we feel upset we automatically blame our feelings on other people’s behaviours.
• Having a ‘should’ mindset – Whereby we create set of criteria that people ‘should’ meet and if they don’t, we see them as a disappointment or not having our best interests in mind.

The truth is that when we have been burned in the past or we make mistakes that make us think worse of other people or ourselves we have a choice to make: a) assume the negative, or b) give people the benefit of the doubt.

If you choose to assume the negative at work here are some likely consequences:

• It will be difficult for you to work well in a team – You are likely to be more critical of others and more likely to misinterpret what they do and say.
• You will experience more conflict – Just so that we are clear, awkward tension which may at first seem harmless, can cause just as much damage to productivity and relationships as open hostility.
• People will not trust you – People sense when someone is uncomfortable or distrusting of them and that will make them defensive and uncomfortable around you.
• Assuming the negative means you are likely to limit the possibilities open to you, such as:
  • Relationships that may have become great but for the fact that you didn’t trust them/thought they didn’t really like you/didn’t see the point in investing in another person. 
    
  • Self-development – Having a negative mindset is likely to mean you cannot see the potential you have to improve or that others have to help you.

• You will not be disappointed – because if you look for the negative, you will always find it.

If, on the other hand, you choose to give people the benefit of the doubt here are some likely consequences:

• You are more likely to work well with others - people are drawn to positive people.
• You are less likely to be defensive with others and more likely to seek to understand the reason behind someone’s actions, which reduces their need to feel defensive or aggressive and therefore, less conflict.
• People will trust you more. Trust reaps more trust. Most people need to see that someone has faith in them for them to trust in return.
• By looking for the positives you are more likely to grab hold of opportunities before they slip away.
• You may SOMETIMES be disappointed.

There are so many good reasons for having a positive mindset. Yet, it is true that you may SOMETIMES be disappointed . The reality is that we still have to make wise judgments about situations and other people. Sometimes people do have bad intentions. Sometimes you will make a mistake that has big consequences. Sometimes bad things will just happen and it was nobody’s fault. On balance, I think you still end up better off by giving people the opportunity to do good, rather than waiting for them/yourself to fail. (Even those that have a bad pattern of behaviour in the past will not always do, or intend to do, bad things in future.)

What is your default negative response? Do you have any bad habits that have affected your perception of others or situations? What are you going to do about it?

REMEMBER... MOST people MOST of the time have good intentions .

If you are involved in a dispute at work that needs help from a mediator to resolve, please get in touch through my Contact page or via email: emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk