Frenemies at Work

“Life is hard as it is. Too many rough roads to travel. Too many chains to untangle. But no matter how cruel the world maybe, life becomes less hard when you’ve got a good friend.” Anonymous.

Good friendships are universally accepted to be a positive addition to anyone’s life. A workplace without friendships can feel lonely and isolating, and if this situation remains the same it would likely be a major factor in someone inevitably leaving.

There are many benefits to having friends at work as it has been shown to create:
• A more positive atmosphere
• A more supportive environment
• A more productive workplace
• Greater motivation to succeed as a team

With work friendships, however, there almost needs to be a written disclaimer attached: “Before embarking on a colleague-friendship you should first consider the additional factors involved.” For starters, for the vast majority work is a necessity to survive financially and as such the work itself will take priority over most, if not all, other relationships at work. When money - someone’s livelihood - is at stake, all bets are off. It is true that sometimes a colleague might value a relationship more than their job but very few would choose it over their job security.

There is also a natural competitiveness that occurs between colleagues (and friends at times). Anyone who has a passion for their job or big ambition is likely to measure themselves against the performance of their peers. If after their judgment, their own performance is ‘found wanting’ it can create insecurity, jealousy or defensiveness. An already strong friendship or a work culture of supporting peers when they need to improve in certain areas can mitigate these kinds of feelings developing into obvious tensions.

If, on the other hand, a person judges their colleague as a poorer performer at work this can create a different kind of tension: awkwardness surrounding whether to challenge their work-friend on the areas needing improvement; or even the inner battle to distance themselves from their work-friend’s behaviour to protect their own reputation. Their loyalties are divided and their integrity tested.

Over and above the previous examples given, the situation likely to be most damaging is when a friendship goes sour. For friendships outside of the workplace, it is unlikely that they will be forced into seeing the other person every day and be expected to be cordial. When the friendship breakdown is between two or more colleagues, the effect can be exponential and it can have a massive impact on their performance, their motivation, other team members and inevitably the time that management spend either managing performance or dealing with conflict.

Some people will naturally understand the potential complexities of having work-friends and will, therefore, keep a little more distance before trusting colleagues with a deeper friendship. For others, when a friendship develops organically, they may not consider the other factors involved in having a friend who is also a colleague and so if the unexpected happens, the impact will be felt more deeply.

When a friend who is not a colleague experiences success, it is easy to celebrate with them. Whereas when they are a colleague, their success may actually highlight another’s failures and so make it more difficult to celebrate them. Furthermore, if their success involves a role change whereupon they are now in a management position over their friend, the dynamic between them at work has the potential to change significantly, maybe even cause friction between them if performance issues ever arise.

This may feel like a pessimistic view on the ability to have positive and enriching friendships with colleagues. On the contrary, the motivation behind this article is to highlight the potential for unnecessary conflict – as such, here are some principles that can be put in place to avoid such issues.

Key principles to develop and maintain healthy friendships at work:
1. Trust
• Even if it takes some time to determine a person’s trustworthiness, a friendship built on mutual trust will survive also being colleagues.
• Trust is strengthened by also implementing the 4 principles below.
2. Honesty
• A friendship where both parties can be respectfully honest will give transparency to a person’s behaviour and it leaves no room for doubting their intentions.
• When someone shows their willingness to deceive, lie or even fabricate issues it will subconsciously create doubt in a friend’s mind over the potential for that person to be dishonest with them too.
3. Integrity
• Just like the principle of honesty, when someone shows their true integrity by trying to do the right thing, it fosters trust in a relationship.
• If, on the other hand, they show their ability to behave in a way that does not show strength of character or principled, it will not serve that friendship well and will make prioritising friendship over their job even less likely.
4. Understanding
• Being aware that work is a priority means that someone will not automatically expect undivided loyalty to them over work pressures.
• Having realistic expectations about a friendship involves listening to the other person, having empathy for their situation and being gracious when they do something that you may have done differently.
5. Respect
• A friendship without mutual respect is unlikely to last long and more likely to be negatively affected by the additional factors when you are also colleagues.
• Respect in friendship is shown by taking an interest, by treating them with kindness and by demonstrating respectful behaviour towards them.
• Showing respect to colleagues involves all the above but, in addition, there needs to be an awareness of workplace pressures, valuing a person’s reputation and also coming to them directly with issues.

In every work situation that I have been in or heard about from friends and family over the years, the atmosphere at work is at its worst when work-friends have a falling out. Often, by the time it hits this point, the situation has become extremely difficult to manage – unless someone neutral is able to work through the issues.

Having friendships at work can be a very positive, productive and enriching situation for both the friends and the organisation at large. However, it can at times be a difficult situation to master, especially when those in whom you placed your trust and friendship do not reciprocate or implement the principles laid out above. When dealing with a conflict, those who feel the most hurt are those who have been betrayed or mistreated by someone they considered to be a friend or someone in a position of trust.

Nevertheless, the risks of having friends at work are outweighed by the quality of friendship that can come of having people around you for the majority of your week that you enjoy spending time with. Such friends will probably have mutual interests and passions and empathy for whatever work pressures you may be under and can be a support-system if you have issues going on outside of the workplace. Employing the 5 principles I have highlighted in your relationships – both at work and in relationships in general – is likely to improve the chances of having good and healthy working relationships and friendships, and less likely to lead to unnecessary conflict.

If you are in a situation at work where a broken friendship is having a negative impact on the organisation, please feel free to get in contact to see if there is anything mediation can do to help with the situation. Contact me through the website or by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk .