How Saying Sorry Saves Your Credibility
One of the key principles we have tried to instil in our children is the importance of saying sorry when you have done something wrong or hurt someone. However, we also recognise the importance of apologising to them when we have made a mistake or hurt their feelings because we want them to know what behaviour is OK and what behaviour is unacceptable - whoever that person is. Saying ‘sorry’ happens a lot with children because they are learning and making mistakes and figuring out how to have good relationships with other children and adults. Yet when it comes to relationships between adults, the word ‘sorry’ happens a LOT less! It is interesting to me that for a lot of adults the idea of saying ‘sorry’ implies weakness – especially in the workplace!
The fact is that when it comes to work, there can be added complications to admitting fault as there may be real liability issues that should be considered. However, MOST of the time saying sorry at work will not have any employment or legal implications.
There is a risk that saying sorry might have a negative outcome, although more often than not it’s not the apology that’s the problem, it is how the apology was done . For example, some people feel the need to apologise for everything, whether it is needed or not. In this situation the intention is probably very good but unfortunately it tends to dilute the power of the apology when it is really needed as people are used to hearing it too much. Similarly, some people over-apologise for small mistakes and have such a disproportionate reaction that it can cause doubt over whether an apology is genuine or whether it was just for show.
It also can do more damage than good to apologise when it isn’t a genuine ‘sorry’ – particularly if you are not a good actor as people can tell when it’s a real apology! And please, please don’t use any sarcasm in your apology. That’s a great way to kill trust in a relationship. For example, if you have crossed the line during normal workplace banter and ended up offending someone, that person is likely to be more than usually sensitive to what you say so to apologise sarcastically or to make it into a joke will definitely not help the situation!
Another habit we can fall into is thinking that once we have apologised we are then absolved of any wrongdoing and so expect instant forgiveness – which in reality is very rare when it comes to big mistakes. This is even less likely if there is a history of broken trust in a relationship. (The context and history of your relationship is important to bear in mind!)
I think the main reason apologies go wrong is that the person apologising is doing so to make themselves feel better, rather than remembering that an apology is also about the other person . In my opinion, for an apology to be received well it needs three main elements:
- Remorse
- Acknowledgment
- Restitution
Remorse
When someone gives a genuine apology the remorse and regret is clear. When someone is remorseful they tend not to give a list of excuses as to why, though they are sorry, it is in fact everything/everyone’s fault that they did what they did. When you want someone to know you are sorry, reasons are only helpful if it is to let them know the intention was not bad. Other than that, excuses make it look like you are not taking responsibility for your actions and the damage caused by them.
Also note, even if it takes a while to feel remorseful about your actions, the longer you leave an apology, the more time is allowed for resentment to build with the other person. Apologise without delay .
Acknowledgement
When giving an apology it needs to be clear that you know what you are apologising for and that you are aware of the impact of your actions. Say that during a meeting you publicly challenge your manager about the accuracy about the facts that they are presenting, rather than going to them privately at the end. You realise afterwards that you crossed the mark and embarrassed them unnecessarily. The inappropriate response would be to ignore what happened as the assumption would then be that you didn’t see anything wrong in what you did. The appropriate response would be to apologise privately to your manager for challenging them publicly, acknowledging that it may have looked disrespectful and it should have happened like that. Taking responsibility shows good judgment of a situation and that, although mistakes happen, you recognise the error and what should have happened.
As mentioned above, you should also not expect instant forgiveness – especially when you have made a big mistake. Some people may need to vent and explain fully why they were hurt even after you have apologised. That doesn’t necessarily mean they do not except your apology. More often than not, they just need to be able to say how your actions affected them and after they have been allowed to do so, they will be more able to accept your apology and move on.
Restitution
An apology is much easier to accept if the person seems like they want to make up for their actions and, even more so, if that person wants to ensure it doesn’t happen again. If you make a mistake with a client, what would you do? You would know that saying ‘sorry’ would help but that you might need to do more to keep them as a client. The same goes for any relationship – including with colleagues. If you embarrass a colleague, the way to make up would be to make sure you publicly support them at the next appropriate opportunity. If you are late to work a few times, you should make an effort to be early. The extra effort makes it clear that you understood what went wrong and you are being proactive about stopping it from happening again. Saying “I won’t let it happen again” is great but it is even better if you can say specifically what you will do to prevent a recurrence.
And finally! Move on. Don’t keep apologising after the matter has been concluded. Move on, follow through on your promise and try not to repeat your mistake again . Apologising itself can be quite an awkward conversation for the people involved, it’s best not to dwell on it but leave it in the past once the issue has been dealt with.
In my opinion, apologising does not make you look weak. In fact, saying ‘sorry’ and making a plan to improve the situation puts you in a position of power and respect. To ignore a mistake at work – particularly if you are in management – makes you look insecure, rather than untouchable. Show your integrity and courage by admitting when you made a mistake, and putting it right .
Confucious, a well-known Chinese teacher and philosopher said, “To know what is right and not to do it is the worse cowardice.”
Apologies definitely build trust in relationships and it amazes me the change that can occur during a mediation session when one or both parties finally apologise. Suddenly the parties are able to think through ideas for finding a way forward when they were previously unable to. I would highly recommend reading ‘The Speed of Trust’ by Stephen M.R. Covey to fully understand the power of having trust in different relationships – both at work and at home. His summary of the Chapter ‘Right Wrongs’ seems quite fitting to sum up my main points on saying ‘sorry’:
“Make things right when you’re wrong. Apologize quickly. Make restitution where possible… Demonstrate personal humility. Don’t cover things up. Don’t let pride get in the way of doing the right thing.”
How do people see you at work? Do you admit fault when needed or do you ignore it or try to cover it up? What impact do you think these behaviours have on your reputation at work? If you have made an error at work and it has got to the point where you need a third party to help bring resolution, please get in contact by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or through my Contact page.
