How To Back Down From A Fight!
At the outset I should make it clear that there is no upside to NOT dealing with issues . My focus as a mediator is to bring about 'conflict resolution' - this is not a post on 'conflict avoidance'!
Conflict resolution aims to enable people to keep their integrity during a dispute when something is important to them but it also aims to stop them from getting stuck in conflict, under the mistaken belief that backing down is the same as 'giving in'. Time does not ‘heal all wounds’ - at best it may help calm emotions in the SHORT TERM, at worst it reinforces weak points in a relationship.
So, how do you back down from a fight without avoiding the issue?
Firstly, you separate the person from the issue . If you concentrate on the person being the ‘problem’ – you may as well forget the idea of resolving the dispute. People do not respond well to someone telling them they are not good enough (even those who postulate about knowing they ‘are not perfect’). It is valuable to bear in mind that the fight is rarely worth more than the relationship. Even in a work scenario where you may not be particularly concerned about the relationship with the other person; having an inability to get along with people is unlikely to reflect well on you as an employee or manager. Also, the average person spends one third of their whole life at work. Surely, it is better to do what you can to enjoy your time there. Focus on the problem, not the person.
Secondly, when you start from the position that they are ‘wrong’ and you are ‘right’, you raise the defences. As someone who has grown up enjoying debate and winning people over to my way of thinking, I find it totally frustrating if I cannot persuade someone to agree with me. In a class debate this way of thinking is par for the course. In relational disputes, the aim should not be to convince someone else that you are right. If you instead allow for the possibility that there are two sides and that there may be more the story than you realised, you become open to really listening to what the other person is saying.
So… listen – don’t start planning your response while they are talking. Really listen. When someone feels heard they are able to reciprocate. Time and again you will discover that the real issue is not what the argument appeared to be about – more often than not it is about issues of respect, insecurity, trust and feeling hurt. Take the time to explain yourself. You are responsible for effectively communicating what you see as the issue . Assuming anything - such as ‘they knew why I was upset’ - is not an excuse. Communicate.
Stop trying to be tactical . It is seriously petty and inhibits any attempt at resolving things. It amplifies whatever trust issues already exist between you, and let’s face it, people know when someone is not being genuine. Save the tactics for business decisions – it doesn’t work for conflict resolution. Instead, admit when you have been wrong/miscommunicated/need to step up to the mark. Humility creates hugely positive ripple effects – particularly in the area of trust. Without trust, there is little to build on.
Keep the hope alive! It sounds cheesy (and it is) but if there is no hope of even the possibility of resolution, people have no motivation to try. Focus on the points that you both agree on and keep suggesting different options that may help to resolve the issues where there is still difference of opinion. Remember that some solutions may be long-term but once you have determined to do something, you are halfway there – it begins in the mind. At points you may need to agree to disagree, which is fine! The important thing to remember is that you have at least tried to understand the other person’s concerns. Key point: if you do ‘agree to disagree’, you are effectively agreeing to ‘drop’ that issue. Therefore, you should not bring it up again, to them or other people.
When you have found a mutually agreeable solution, be determined to follow through with what you have agreed to and remember that you are not responsible for anyone’s actions but your own. If the other person does not keep to their side of the agreement, you are responsible for how you bring the issue up. Use the above methods because – sociopaths aside - they are highly effective.
If all else fails, bring in a neutral third party. As a Qualified Workplace and Employment Mediator, I highly recommend the use of a mediator to intercede when you are unable to communicate objectively. Mediators are neutral, confidential, and extremely successful at getting to the root of a dispute. So don’t get stuck in conflict and don’t avoid issues – deal with them.
If you need to help with any workplace or employment disputes or conflict, please get in contact via the Contact Page or by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk
