Taking a Step Forward or Backward?

Are you a ‘people-watcher’? Not in the stalker kind of way, but in the ‘fascinated by human interaction around you’ type of people-watching. That’s me - I can’t help but be intrigued by people and wondering what they are talking about or what their history might be. Normally what catches my attention is a sudden change in someone’s voice or body language in response to what the other person says or does. Sometimes the change is meaningless but often it reflects a desire to create distance or draw closer to the other person.

‘The relationship cha-cha’

Communication is so important because it has the potential to either strengthen or damage relationships. Your words or actions can progress your relationship forwards but also bring it backwards – the latter of which will likely lead to distance and conflict within the relationship. It may be easier to think about the progression of a relationship in terms of ‘steps’:

It is virtually impossible to have flawless communication with another person, however if you have had more ‘steps’ forwards than backwards then your relationship is probably quite strong and healthy. Relationship progression may involve one step at a time of positive/negative words or actions but sometimes a conversation or action can be so impactful that it has the equivalent effect of taking multiple steps in either direction. You could potentially have had many steps backwards in a relationship but there was subsequently such a grand gesture – or lots of consistent little gestures – that it enabled your relationship to be stronger than with other relationships where you haven’t had many ‘backwards steps’ nor many ‘forwards steps’.

“It’s important to make sure that we’re talking with each other in a way that heals, not in a way that wounds.” ― Barack Obama

Communication is made even more complex because everyone has had different experiences and personality traits which will in turn affect how they relate, communicate and receive what is being communicated to them. In short, everyone has different triggers. For example, where a certain phrase might have a neutral or positive impact on one individual – if something might be said in jest about them – it may create a step backwards for another individual. A ‘step backwards’ could take the form of: subconscious or pro-active withdrawal from the relationship; passive aggressive behaviour; or even perceptible aggression and conflict.

Clearly, a balance needs to be found between having self-awareness in your communication, yet also still being genuine and authentic, so that it doesn’t allow a particularly heightened self-awareness to give rise to social anxiety, or self-consciousness. Also, a balance should be found between being accountable for your words and actions, yet not unnecessarily taking responsibility for a disproportionate response by the other person. Communication is such a fine art at times!

“Talk is free, but the wise man chooses when to spend his words.” ― Neil Gaiman, Odd and the Frost Giants.

What do you want?

It may feel at times that there are so many ways to make mistakes in communication that it is not worth the effort. However, there is a reward to communicating well and appropriately to different individuals in that you are more likely to achieve your objective. When communication feels particularly taxing and increasingly less ‘worth it’, it may be helpful to keep your objective in mind:

·If your objective is to complete a project, then effective communication is more likely to enable you to work with others in a productive and time-efficient way.

·If your objective is to help an employee raise their levels of performance, it is more likely to be achieved if you can communicate in a way that doesn’t make them defensive, aggressive or withdrawn.

·If your objective is to progress your career, having the ability to communicate effectively with a variety of people will demonstrate leadership skills and how to get things done productively and without any fuss.

Communication includes what you relay through your words, actions and body language and your response to what others say, do and express. So, in effect, it is more than just being self-aware – it is being emotionally sensitive to other people too. Even if you can express yourself effectively it is less than useful if you don’t compliment that skill with also listening well – both visibly listening and genuinely listening to what is being said and taking note of how others are expressing their thoughts and emotions.

When communication works…

Processes can be refined and improved – Open and honest communication leads to constructive feedback and productive changes.

Teamwork makes the dream work! – Most clichés are based on truth and this is one of them. If you want to achieve great things, being able to work well with others means you are more much more likely to do so, in less time too!

Staff retention increases – People want to work in jobs that are fulfilling but they will only stay if the environment is friendly and they feel valued. This can only be achieved through good communication – which, in turn, can only be achieved by people becoming self-aware and emotionally sensitive to others.

Decrease in conflict – Good communication skills means that individuals are less likely to have misunderstandings as there should be less ambiguity. They are more likely is to seek clarification, rather than make assumptions, if there is any ambiguity. Self-awareness tends to organically produce greater self-restraint, more graciousness towards others and a willingness to be accountable for mistakes.

Less affected by outside factors – There will always be additional pressures or outside factors that can impact a team or an individual – whether it is time pressure, reduced resources, personal financial stress, personal relationship issues or health concerns – but if there is a basic level of good communication, the potentially negative impact such factors could have on individuals and the organisation will be limited.

For some individuals, it may be easy to work out what behaviours or forms of communication would improve or damage your relationship; whereas for others, it might take a bit more time and understanding to recognise what might be a negative trigger and what might improve a working relationship. It can also take a lot of time and effort to facilitate a working environment that generates and fosters good communication . For some individuals, good communication is a more natural skill than for others, so in the latter situation it may be helpful to consider whether training, coaching or focussed support from a colleague or manager is appropriate.

“Communication
Is a work of art
Some are normally born with it
Some may need a chart”
― Amal Saleh, Poetry Eyes

Good communication in a workplace is achievable but it takes effort and self-reflection. If you do or say something which takes your relationship a step backwards, it does not preclude you having a better relationship in future. Most working relationships are recoverable by making small consistent forward steps or with the help of a mediator. Having supported organisations through a number of conflict situations - which maybe would have not occurred had there been more effective communication - I believe the rewards (and the avoidance of unnecessary conflict) far outweigh the investment of time and effort.

If you would like to hear more about how our services could help to support your organisation – whether that be through mediation, communication training or a Conflict Prevention Assessment – please get in contact. You can do so by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or through the Contact page on our website www.mosaicmediation.co.uk/contact .