The Good Fight

If you follow this blog, you may have picked up that I tend to make a point of using the phrase ‘unnecessary conflict’ and that is because I believe that conflict is not always negative. If we think back through history, there are clear examples of conflict that have been destructive and damaging; yet there are also times of conflict which have instigated positive change – such as, Martin Luther King Jr and the American civil rights movement, the abolishment of slavery, and the women’s right to vote.

Conflict can raise awareness about an issue that exists but has not been highlighted. More often than not, conflict occurs when an individual feels like their values have been violated or that their needs have not been met, and there are many issues in the world that people have opinions about or maybe disagree with, but it often takes a certain trigger to prompt them into action.

If we scale down from global social issues to personal relationships, it is common for people to remain silent about something they dislike about someone’s behaviour or to make passively aggressive jokes or comments instead of confronting the issue. Invariably, this will not change someone’s behaviour - in fact, more than likely it will create defensiveness and confusion in the relationship instead.

The likelihood of unnecessary conflict becomes even greater when conflict is avoided at all costs. Whether it manifests in the form of quiet tension, disproportionate reactions to minor disagreements or maybe a person distancing themselves from other people; the issue remains unresolved as long as a person is not honest about their concerns and/or the concern is not acknowledged by the other person. The latter acknowledgement largely relies on the former acknowledgement – don’t assume the other person knows what the issue is! Though it may feel more comfortable, the kind of peace gained by conflict avoidance is often short-lived. Also, when concerns are not addressed, it may be a missed opportunity for honest truths that come from restorative conversations.

“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” ― Ernest Hemingway

Whereas, when someone decides to voice their concerns or stand up for their interests, though it may initially create a situation of conflict – where those involved neither agree nor understand the position of the other side – if those individuals are then able to move towards a situation of greater understanding, then there is likely to be positive change. In such a situation the positive impact of conflict could be a stronger relationship.

The fact is that conflict is inevitable and knowing this can better prepare a person to manage conflict more effectively. When conflict comes as a shock, a person is more likely to feel defensive and anxious. Whereas, when a person understands that conflict is part of life and that it can be used positively then hopefully they will be more likely to seek to understand different perspectives and more open for constructive change.

So, what makes conflict negative or healthy?

Attitude:

• Healthy attitude – aiming for a ‘win-win’ scenario, open to constructive change, thinking long-term and willing to engage in finding a solution.
• Negative attitude – aiming to ‘win’ the argument, unwilling to acknowledge responsibility or the issue and unwilling to move forward.

Communication:

• Healthy communication – open, honest and respectful. Seeking to understand by listening without judgment.
• Negative communication – focussing on blame, not vocalising true feelings and not listening to the other person. Verbal abuse and judgmental or negative phrasing.

The basis of conflict is when two or more groups or individuals disagree on an issue and are not able to understand the other side. With Christmas on the horizon, conflict may feel ever more present. It is natural for people to disagree and this is common in the workplace too but the key not allowing it to have a negative impact on individuals or the organisation is for those involved to have a positive attitude and to communicate in productive way.

“I think that hate is a feeling that can only exist where there is no understanding.” ― Tennessee Williams

The process of mediation encourages individuals to address their concerns and to seek to understand the concerns of the other person. It recognises that when people explore mutual interests and listen to alternative perspectives, it increases mutual understanding and therefore lowers the intensity of the conflict. The truth is that facing conflict and working through it ends the conflict much faster than ignoring it – which is true for both personal and professional relationships. Working through conflict in a positive way is more often a skill which is learned, rather than one which comes naturally but there are many methods of developing a positive culture at home or work where conflict is resolved rather than avoided.

If you are interested in finding out more about how mediation or workshops on communication or conflict resolution could help situations of conflict and enable difficult conversations to be had, please get in contact by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or through the Contact page.