What Do You Expect?
One of the best things I did with my husband before we got engaged was to talk through as many of the big issues as we could. We talked through our views on how household chores should be split, if we wanted children - and if so, how many. We talked about past relationships, religion and handling money. These conversations were not remotely romantic, however, I am certain talking it through has saved us from many otherwise avoidable arguments. Although life and people are unpredictable, by having talked through these things first, we both knew to a certain extent what we were getting ourselves into and when it came to the big things our expectations of each other matched reality.
Why did it make a difference? Because in the words of Dr. Blaine Lee, “Almost all conflict is a result of violated expectations” . Where one person has an expectation that is either unrealistic or simply unrealised, and nothing is done to manage or explain their expectations, it will lead to conflict. Whether the relationship is romantic, a friendship or a working relationship, where there are unspoken expectations between people that don’t match, it will lead to unproductive arguments and being repeatedly disappointed by the other person. If you feel like you are banging your head against a brick wall with a certain person or subject, figure out what your expectations are and what theirs might be. Where’s the disconnect?
Using the example of a workplace situation where a manager asks a staff member to complete a task ‘quickly’: If the manager’s real expectation was that ‘quickly’ meant a 2-day completion time but the employee’s thought ‘quickly’ meant maybe a couple of weeks, there is going to be a clash of expectations. What is missing? Clarity – on both sides.
Now using a relatively minor situation, some people prefer guests to take their shoes off in their home, whereas for others this is not an issue either way. The typically instinctive way to avoid conflict in this situation is to clarify: as the host you would ask people to take their shoes off; or if you were the guest you would ask the what the host would prefer. I know it seems like an insignificant example but the point is that if you don’t clarify – whether the issue is minor or important - then you are solely relying on the assumption that the other person’s expectations are the same as yours, or at least that you are able guess correctly what their expectations are. Sometimes, it is not worth the risk.
So, what is the key to managing expectations so that they don’t lead to conflict? Clarity.
If things are not clear, people assume they know what was intended or expected. In my experience of conflict, it is clear that when people make assumptions about the other person’s intentions they are often incorrect. As have mentioned before, don’t assume – CHECK!
Be aware of your own preconceived ideas about people and situations. What will help in particular is not listening to, or participating in, gossip. Here is my personal observation on the cycle of gossip:
Gossip starts as opinion mixed with fact and then as it is talked about more and more, that concoction of opinion-fact-speculation begins to seem ‘true’. The cycle continues: uncertainty over what to believe or who to trust; then defensiveness and assuming the negative; then further breakdown in communication; which leads to frustration/hostility/resentment = CONFLICT.
Take note of whether your expectations are influenced by opinion – others or your own - rather than reality.
Be aware of other people’s expectations – whether they are realistic or not, their expectations of you or a situation will dictate how they respond to you/the situation. If you are in management, it is important for you to understand what your staff expect from you and the organisation. David Brennan from GPM International warns that if you “fail to match or exceed employees’ expectations”, they will be resentful, ungrateful or complain. If the majority of the feedback you receive from your employees is negative, find out what their expectations of the organisation are. If you are able to have open and respectful communication between you and your staff and your expectations are mutually realistic , there is less room for misunderstandings and negative feelings.
If in doubt, be gracious . Personally, I try to operate on the principle that if I have not asked someone to do something, I cannot be upset that they didn’t do it as my expectations (or preferences) were not made clear – unless of course their behaviour is objectively unreasonable. I try to operate on the principle that most people do not intend to offend or hurt so if I am unsure about someone’s motives, I can clarify – if I assume the negative, I am highly more likely to take things the wrong way. I try to operate on the principle that my expectations of others may sometimes be unrealistic and that their expectations of me may also be unrealistic – so, if in doubt be kind, gracious and appreciative anyway.
To conclude: clarify, check, understand and be gracious . Managing expectations will not stop conflict but it will certainly help to avoid bringing unnecessary conflict to your door.
If there are any workplace or employment situations that might be helped by my services as a Mediator, please get in touch through my Contact page or by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk.
