What's Your Point?

Have you ever had a conversation which unexpectedly went downhill and just wouldn’t get back on track? Most people have, so what happened to make it fall apart?

In Stephen R. Covey’s book ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’, the second habit is ‘To begin with the end in mind’. The principle encourages people to picture what you would you like to happen or achieve, with a project or a job, etc., before jumping into it. This principle can also be applied to taking a moment to think before having conversation with someone – particularly if it is of a sensitive nature or difficult relationship; thinking through what you would like to communicate or achieve by having the conversation.

The reality is that in a working environment, not everyone will get along, but it is imperative that individuals find a way to communicate and work productively together even if there is a difficult dynamic between them . Having an important conversation can be tricky enough when you get along, let alone when you don’t; so, it pays to pause and think first.

"Precision of communication is important, more important than ever, in our era of hair trigger balances, when a false or misunderstood word may create as much disaster as a sudden thoughtless act." James Thurber

Focus is the key word here – being focussed on what the aim is and consistently remembering that aim throughout the discussion. This is particularly true for those difficult – yet necessary – conversations.
1. What’s the focus?
Giving some thought to what your goal is before you begin an important or difficult conversation could trigger a conversation that either is productive or one that spirals downhill. If the goal is positive, then you are off to a good start. For example, if the focus is ‘to understand the other person’, then you are more likely to listen carefully; or if the focus is ‘to relay sensitive information effectively’, then you are more likely to be mindful of the wording used and the delivery of the information.

Alternatively, if your aim is not positive or beneficial to your working relationship, then it could put you on the backfoot. For example, if you are doing a project, what’s your aim? Most likely it would be to get it done well, so the focus would be on quality. However, if the aim were simply to get it done quickly, it’s possible that the quality of the project would get lost. Likewise if the aim for a conversation is to understand the other person’s perspective then you are more likely to have a good exchange where you listen and ask questions to clarify your understanding; whereas, if the aim is for them to understand only your perspective, then you may have been able to vent but it’s unlikely that you will finish that conversation with a more positive relationship with the other person than you had before.

2. Keeping focussed
Communication is not a one-way process and as such, it is easy to get distracted from your initial aim if the other person says something which catches you off guard or that triggers you to feel angry or defensive. If during the conversation it becomes clear that you also need to cover other concerns, then you should.The key is to not let your emotions get the better of you and to keep coming back to your goal and to remain focussed on the positive aims that you originally pictured.

Staying focussed helps you filter what you say – not so as to be disingenuous, but rather to give you a heightened awareness of how some words/phrases/topics could cause the conversation to spiral or to be a trigger that cause different individuals to become defensive. I know that if I am particularly tired or stressed, I am more likely to say something insensitive that reflects my tiredness more than anything else. Yet, when I am on focussed, I can have some very challenging conversations with people and still manage to remain on good terms with them – often on better terms than before.

Tips on having a productive conversation:
• Don’t discuss the issue with lots of other people beforehand – Seeking advice from someone you trust to be discreet may be helpful but beyond that, talking about issues with another colleague to other colleagues only tends to create further issues in a workplace. A difficult relationship brings its own complications and it only becomes more complicated when more people are included.
• Avoid name and labels – It may seem juvenile but so many conversations between adults go downhill from being labelled a certain way or being called a name which causes hurt and distrust. Using phrases such as ‘This is what I felt…’ and ‘I thought…’, instead of ‘You are…’ or ‘You obviously did/thought/feel…’ feels less like an attack and more like clarification.
• Avoid assumptions – If you aim to understand the other person’s perspective, that can only be done by asking questions and being open to an answer that is different to what you expected.
• Listen – Being able to listen carefully (and showing them that you are listening) not only lowers their defences and shows them respect, but it also may be very enlightening.
• Look for positives – Where there are differences of opinion or a difficult relationship dynamic, acknowledge anything positive that happens, such as moments of agreement or understanding. This keeps the conversation flowing in a positive direction.
• Lower your defences – It is understandable that you would be reluctant about being vulnerable with people that you don’t get along with, especially if the conversation is also challenging. However, if you allow yourself to begin to lower your guard it should make it easier for the other person to do the same, and consequently make it easier to have an open and honest conversation.

One of the key benefits of the mediation process is the mediator’s ability to keep parties focussed on the goal - which is generally to have a productive conversation and to find a way forward that is mutually agreeable. A mediator will first listen and understand the key concerns and then is best placed to help the parties then focus on future options.

Having a focus before you begin a sensitive or difficult conversation may appear to be overthinking things but, in reality, it gives you the advantage of having clarity beforehand on how to address things in a way that means you leave the conversation feeling like you communicated what you needed to and the other person received it in the way it was intended. In addition it helps you to be mindful of body language and tone and, hopefully, enables you to gain insight into the other person’s perspective as well.

If you are interested to find out more about mediation, communication skills or what other services Mosaic Mediation can provide, please get in touch by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or through the Contact page .