Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

As a mediator, a lot of my job involves facilitating conversations between people which, if they had been able to have had earlier, could potentially have saved a lot of the hostility and time spent dealing with that conflict. Accordingly, my standard go-to advice to anyone would be to not avoid tricky subjects with people, however, there are times when the best option is to drop the subject. There is a distinction between avoidance and prudence when tackling certain topics with different individuals. The trick is knowing which topics are the ‘hot-button’ topics and which are topics that just need to be approached with sensitivity.

Hot-button issues : often generate a lot of strong opinions and sometimes can lead to heated ‘discussions’. Sensitive issues : are topics that feel particularly personal or subjects (sometimes hot-button topics) which on the face of it, appear neutral but due to an individual’s background or experience, touch a nerve.

Personally, I enjoy a healthy debate. Debate enables you to hear different perspectives and it could also challenge your mindset or any pre-conceived notions about certain issues. It stops being positive when the debate becomes personal – when views are expressed in a way that causes offence or minimises the other person’s views.

Some examples of topics which currently tend to be subjects that people often have strong views about are:

·Parenting

·Brexit

·NHS

·Abortion

·Immigration

·Mental health

·Welfare

·Diversity in the workplace

·Workplace competitiveness

Again, this list is not a ‘subjects to avoid’ list but rather a non-exhaustive list of topics which it would be prudent to approach with awareness and sensitivity to those around you, if you want to avoid unnecessary conflict. The reality is that even with colleagues who we have worked with for many years, there is often a lot of their background and experiences that we aren’t aware of. It is sensible, then, to not assume that we know what they think or believe about these topics. Nevertheless, it is still possible and positive for members of families, friends and colleagues to be able to have healthy relationships with other people that have different – or even opposing – views.

So, when should subjects be tackled or dropped? Here are some factors which make a real difference to knowing which action is most appropriate:

1. History of relationship

a.No serious unresolved issues – It is more likely for you to have a debate without any previous bad history casting a shadow over the conversation. If misunderstandings that do happen they should be able to be talked through without causing damage to the relationship.

b.Previous issues or disagreements – It is still possible to have a ‘grown-up’ conversation but there needs to be greater sensitivity and awareness of body language and phrases which may cause emotions to be heightened.

2. Aim of conversation

a.To share your views AND to understand alternative views – If it is apparent that a person respects and is interested in another person’s views and why they hold them, without passing judgement, it immediately reduces the tension and allows other people to be more open.

b.Solely to express your own views – This is common and natural but tends to only have a positive result if the other people in the conversation agree with you. If they disagree and there is no openness to hearing other views, it is natural that they would feel that that their view is being minimised or criticised. The likely outcome with the latter situation is a heated debate, where neither party feel listened to.

3. The subject is key to the workplace/relationship functioning

a.Discussing privately to seek options – This is often helpful to gather opinions and make positive and proactive decisions about the running of an organisation or changes that need to be made to clarify issues. Doing it privately and sensitively allows concerns to be aired and addressed without it becoming gossip or inflaming strong opinions.

b.Debating it publicly – There is a much greater risk of it turning into a very heated discussion, where the object is to convince everyone else. Often those of a quieter disposition will keep their opinions to themselves so only the views of those with louder personalities get heard. In some workplaces public debate is encouraged and is seen as a positive thing that strengthens relationships, but this normally is only workable where there are established boundaries and mutual respect.

4. Where there appears to have been some wrong or injustice

a.Private discussion with an ‘appropriate person’ – To address the issue directly with the person involved or to seek options to find a way forward or to address the issue is proactive and often necessary. The appropriate person is likely to be a line manager or someone able to discreetly advise on the best options.

b.Gossip with other colleagues – What at the beginning may be the intention to just vent or to seek other opinions, often just results in other people becoming involved in the issue and talking to even more people about it. Unfortunately, this often does little to resolve the ‘injustice’ but instead just makes the issue bigger and the misinterpretations wider spread.

Also, it is worth bearing in mind that the behaviour and phrasing used needs to be appropriate for that workplace and your role at work. There may even be policies in place which put limits on what, or how, you are expected to talk about particular subjects.

As a mediator, addressing issues before they become difficult to manage is a great way to avoid unnecessary conflict. Yet, it is very apparent that some conversations with certain people are bound to turn negative and it is worth deciding whether it is worth it. There will always be differences of opinion on certain subjects and, when it looks like a discussion is going downhill fast, sometimes it is best to just ‘agree to disagree’. Very few people will make a 180-degree turnaround after a heated debate anyway. If someone is going to change their mind, it is likely to take more than a few open-minded discussions, private research and sole contemplation on the topic.

If you want to know more about how Mosaic Mediation can help by providing training on communication or conflict resolution, or if there is a situation you feel may benefit from mediation, please get in contact by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or contact us via the Contact page .