Promises, Promises

Have you ever been let down when someone promised to do something and then didn’t follow through on it? What did that do to how you felt about them and your relationship?

All relationships – whether personal or professional – are built on trust. Every time someone doesn’t keep their word, it damages that trust. Different things are important to each person, but even the small things can affect the relationship. When you have known someone for a while and have built up a certain amount of trust, there may be a certain understanding about each other’s idiosyncrasies – such as a person’s tendency to be late or forgetting things. However, even with close relationships, if a person continues to break promises, it will begin to erode that trust and, unless changes are made, it will do damage to the relationship.

In a purely professional relationship, there tends to be even less grace given for broken promises. The reason why I am so interested in the impact of damaged trust is that so often when people are stuck in a cycle of conflict, it tends to correlate with there also being a lack of trust between them. In a work situation this could result from any or all of the following:

• Failing to achieve targets
• Repeated lateness
• Multiple conflicts with colleagues
• Poor performance
• Any form of deception
• Bad-mouthing clients/colleagues/management

The problem with losing trust in someone is that it leaves room for suspicion and doubt about their abilities and/or motives. So often, I find that those who have decided to use mediation as a tool to resolve conflict or communication issues, have been unable to resolve the concerns previously due to having a fixed view that the other person has suspicious motives. This is normally because they have previously had a concern about a person which was then further reinforced by more behaviours which ‘proved’ their theory.

“Don't ever promise more than you can deliver, but always deliver more than you promise.” Lou Holtz

It is realistic to bear in mind that no one can succeed in keeping their word, or not having issues with other people, or their job, all the time. Not only are we all fallible human beings but other factors and stressors will have an impact on our ability to function professionally and have healthy relationships – such as health or money issues.

Nevertheless, it is just as important to remember the value of being accountable when we do make mistakes . Though trust can be easily broken, it can also be rebuilt. If a person can’t deliver on their promise, not only should there be a genuinely good reason, but if they also communicate both the problem and the proposed solution to the other person, it will go some way to rebuilding that trust. If it goes unmentioned, it will either seem like deception or a disregard for others.

Once trust is broken, promising only ‘to try’ - though it shows a willingness to make positive steps - will not be enough to establish trust. In his book, ‘The Speed of Trust’, Stephen M.R. Covey demonstrates that trust has two parts to it – character and competency. Though a person’s character – through their intentions and their integrity – may be worthy of trust, if they cannot demonstrate that they can do what they say they will do, it places a question mark over their capabilities and whether they can deliver results. Furthermore, if the ‘trying’ consistently doesn’t translate into keeping their word, it will start to negatively impact the other person’s perception of their true intentions and integrity.

“... if the results aren’t there, neither is the credibility. Neither is the trust. It’s just that simple; it’s just that harsh.” Stephen M.R. Covey

So, if you make a promise, if you say you will do something, or if your job requires certain standards of behaviour or performance levels, be prepared to follow through or you might find that other people are not as gracious as you would hope. Likewise, if you make promises to your staff, family members or friends, be aware of how your actions, or inactions, could negatively impact their trust in you and the strength of your relationship – especially if not keeping your word causes harm or pain to people.

It is not impossible to rebuild trust once it has been damaged, but it will take effort and very good communication skills. Mediation is a great tool to enable communication and to work through trust issues. If there are situations in your workplace that might benefit from the help of a neutral third party to facilitate a positive and productive conversation, please get in contact by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or through the Contact page.