What's It Worth?
Conflict is inevitable. We work and live with people who have had different upbringings, communication styles, irritating habits, and past histories which can create tension, anger or full-on arguments.
As I said in my previous post, I would never advocate conflict avoidance – conflict should be worked through thoroughly and without delay. The key is knowing whether the issue itself even needs to be spoken about. If you want your environment to be positive and your relationships to be strong you don’t want to create ‘unnecessary’ conflict. IS IT WORTH IT?
It shows true integrity when you are able to spot whether the issue causing tension is actually YOUR problem and not the other person’s. However, we are often too close to the situation and too full of emotion to be able to discern whether this is the case or not. You can do this by going through a mental checklist before speaking up:
- What is the real reason behind the conflict? Generally speaking, it isn’t about the facts of what took place but how what happened made you or them feel. Issues between people often stem from feeling hurt, disrespected, misunderstood or wronged. Why has the situation bothered you to this extent?
- Are you sure of the intention behind your actions or their actions? If you answer this question with ‘yes’, then think again. You probably don’t know. So, don’t assume – CHECK!
- What are the possible outcomes of bringing the issue up? Are they beneficial long-term? Is it an issue of justice or integrity? Will it do your relationship more damage if you keep silent?
- Are you challenging a behaviour that you are guilty of too? No one enjoys being corrected by a hypocrite!
- Is there something you can do or a behaviour you need to change that would improve the situation? You should be open to them needing to challenge you.
SO if you decide the issue is worth it…how should you bring up your concerns in a way that doesn’t make the situation worse? Some tips:
- Bear in mind any topics that you need to be sensitive about, and be sensitive about them.
- Approach privately first – don’t embarrass or shame in public. Do not talk to everyone else about this before you talk to the person involved. This only spreads conflict and could damage their relationship with the other person.
- Stick to the main point and don’t bring up everything you take issue with unless it is completely necessary to moving on and resolving the conflict.
- Don’t get stuck on your different memories of the events – as Friedrich Nietzsche says, “There are no facts, only interpretations.” Recognise this and talk about your PERCEPTION of what happened and how that affected you. Yes, just as you would tell a child, “Use your feeling words!”
- Talk straight – keep it simple. We all know people who are brutally honest – the brutal part will not endear you to anyone. It is possible to be straight and honest AND respectful.
- Try to think of a way forward that is beneficial to both of you. For people to move forward after a dispute or conflict, there needs to be a basis of trust first. Jim Meehan, a psychologist and poet found in his career that this can happen if they say two things to each other: “I mean you no harm” and “I seek your greatest good”. Obviously you don’t have to use these exact phrases but somehow you need to communicate that your intention is good and you have their interests in mind and not just your own.
Every situation is different so this post should not be used as a step-by-step rule book. These are just points you should think through before – or even if – you have the conversation, if you really care about the end result. Whatever happens during the conversation, try to end well and be open to talking about it again if it is required.
Life should be enjoyable, positive and fun. Don’t let unresolved conflict drag you down, so nip it in the bud quickly and effectively. If the issue is NOT worth it, work it out internally and move on. Don’t create unnecessary conflict – life is full enough of real problems for you to create more!
If there are any workplace or employment disputes that you need some assistance with resolving please contact me through the Contact page or by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk
