I'm Not There... Yet!

“Are we nearly there yet?!” – the delightful phrase parents all over the country will be hearing over the next couple of months on the way to their various holiday destinations.

And I get it! Waiting is hard. (Harder for some more than others). I naturally look for the next thing to happen and if it takes longer than expected, I have different techniques to keep me measured and calm.

What is so unsettling about waiting? I think we generally like to know what is happening, what our role is and what might happen next. It offers certainty and a steady foundation for making decisions and responding appropriately to a situation. The waiting period doesn’t provide that – it’s transitional, changeable, and ambiguous. It’s the uncomfortable ‘in-between’.

Waiting also suggests that we are not in control of the situation – we are waiting for the situation to change or for someone else do doing something. Though some people prefer not to be the one taking charge, very few of us like our lives to be completely reliant on external factors.

I was thinking about this recently, when reflecting on the progress of my coaching clients. They don’t come to me at their first realisation of needing support in assertiveness, communication, or leadership skills (let’s face it, not many do ask for help straight away!).

They come to me after a few instances of feeling ill-equipped to handle a tricky conversation or noticing a pattern of self-doubt or overwhelm. Initially, most clients are tentative about their goals for coaching because they aren’t really sure what is achievable.

Then, as their initial goals start to be fulfilled, their minds are open to bigger possibilities. And yet…

…Then comes the frustration with themselves - that they haven’t conquered this ‘assertiveness’ skill fully yet. They now see what is possible and so this in-between stage can be really uncomfortable.

Coming from someone who finds it hard to wait… the uncomfortable ‘in-between’ stage is a key part of the process. Like many skills in life, it takes time and persistence to become an assertive communicator, who can so whilst creating peaceful, boundaried and authentic relationships.

The in-between stage is where you are highly cognizant in your interactions. It’s when you will notice the small details in someone’s body language, tone of voice or facial expression. It’s when you are on the lookout for potential ‘hot buttons’ or external factors which could improve the outcome of a conversation.

This uncomfortable in-between is necessary if you don’t just want to learn the basics of communication. Or, to prevent from becoming someone who knows the actions but doesn’t really get the purpose of the skills.

My belief is that to become an effective and confident communicator, you need to:

a)    START by wanting it (which is why I don’t ever try to convince someone they need coaching in this area)

b)    PERSIST through the frustrations of the ‘in-between’ of having made progress but wanting to achieve more!

c)     EMBED the habits of noticing, adapting and being proactive in interactions – keeping putting those learnings into practice.

d)    EMBODY the habits until they become instinctive.

This final stage of the process is the sweet spot of communication skills. Just like when you are learning to drive… checking all the mirrors or finding the clutch biting point takes up so much brain capacity. And you’re certainly not able to hold a meaningful conversation during a manoeuvre!

In building assertiveness, communication, or conflict management skills, when you have the motivation to ask for support, you have persisted, you embed new habits and now they are part of your instinctive responses… You will then feel calm enough to further deepen those conversations, confident enough to initiate interactions, and skilled enough to handle the unpredictable.

So, you may not ‘be there’ yet, but if you have plotted the sat nav correctly and you stay on track, you will be. So, just remind your inner 7-year-old to be patient. They will know when you have arrived!

Emma Jenkings is an accredited workplace mediator and a trained conflict coach, DISC practitioner, MHFA and communication skills trainer. Find out more about COACHING or E-LEARNING for assertiveness skills HERE.