Myth-Busting Mediation

Myth ONE: 💥 ”Mediation never works!” 💥

Starting with the facts:

1. The average settlement rate across all types of mediation is between 80-90%. For workplace mediation, it is around 85-90% settlement rate.

2. The 'written agreement' is only PART of mediation. The process alone can be healing, insightful, cathartic, and beneficial. (Even if they don't come out with a written agreement!)

3. Some of the benefits happen AFTER the mediation. Occasionally, people need time to process the day and what was said and then can take steps to move forward.

👉🏼Mediation does occasionally not end in a positive outcome, and that is frustrating. People need to be open to hearing a different perspective and getting into a problem-solving, collaborative mindset. That doesn't always happen, and there can be other obstacles to getting to a mutual resolution as well. (Note: that does NOT have to be the end of the process)

Where improving the relationship was an aim of the mediation, the process should be viewed as a new foundation. Not the conclusion. New habits and mindset changes take time to embed.

For mediations where the mutually agreed outcome is someone leaving the organisation, the process can ensure that they 'leave well'.

👉🏼A good result does not always have to involve everyone staying. That may not be the most beneficial outcome for everyone.

👉🏼One thing to also bear in mind is that mediation is a great tool for conflict resolution and at times benefits from additional complimentary support to follow on from the session - such as training, or coaching, or advisory support for management.

I have seen transformative outcomes for individuals that happen alongside the positive outcome for the issue/relationship.

One of my most treasured is this one from a party to a very complex mediation:

✨“I felt so low about everything and now I am enjoying life. I have learned so much about myself and other people. I now have hope!"✨

👊🏼 So, myth = busted! Mediation does work... VERY often. And, when it does, the results can be extremely impactful.

Myth TWO: 💥"You are meant to become FRIENDS"💥

Yes, sometimes a mediation works so well at clarifying assumptions, parties becoming self-aware, and their true intentions becoming apparent, that people do go on to forming a new friendship - or revitalising a friendship that had been damaged.

HOWEVER, unless that is a desire of the parties, it is not the core aim of mediation.

👉Conflict may be resolved AND you still don't want to go for a coffee with the other person.

👉Conflict may be resolved AND you still don't even like that person (but you do feel able to interact positively with them)!

👉Conflict may be resolved AND it will clearly still take some time to re-build trust.

Many of the mediations that I facilitate are dealing with communication or the relationship itself, so that will be a key element to address during the session. Yet, there are no expectations or pressure put on parties developing a relationship beyond what is comfortable.

In fact, a proportion of mediations that I facilitate have been around *parting ways* - so in that instance, there is no expectation of any future relationship at all! The reason they chose to mediate was that they wanted the working relationship between them - or on behalf of the organisation - to end well.

👊 So, myth = busted! Friendship is not an expectation - it is just an added bonus if that is a natural consequence of the day.

Myth THREE: 💥 "Mediation is only for resolving arguments"💥

▶It may have been triggered by a grievance.

▶ It may have been recommended after a public argument.

▶It may have been highlighted by a client noticing recurring issues.

▶It may have been suggested as a way to talk through a largely non-emotive topic with someone neutral facilitating.

▶It may have begun when the employee showed hesitation at returning to work - or even discussing it without someone external being there to support both sides.

👉🏼Mediation is not just for arguments 💥.

👉🏼And, it is not just for people who dislike each other, or find it difficult to communicate with each other.

Sometimes, mediation is a safe space when an individual is feeling vulnerable about discussing future options.

Mediation is a bit of a 'bubble' for discussions and options and solutions to be put forward and explored without ramifications or being held to them - until everything is agreed and formalised at the end.

👉🏼Remember that conflict comes in many forms but the essence is that there is a difference (in approach, opinion, communication, methodology, experiences, or concerns).

There is no pre-requisite for negative feelings towards the other person. Nor does the situation need to be explosive or fractured.

✨Mediation is like a 'Conversation+' that provides a solid foundation and system to help you speak, listen and understand.

👊🏼So, myth = BUSTED! Mediation is NOT only for resolving arguments.

Myth FOUR: 💥 “The mediator tells them what to do” 💥

I recently was one of the training facilitators training a group of staff members to become internal mediators. When assessing each trainee mediator, one of the key elements was ensuring that the mediator did not push parties towards a solution.

👉🏼What all effective mediators recognise is that NOT being the one to solve the problem, means the parties do. Then, they take ownership of that solution and are more likely to stick to any action they have agreed to take. 

👉🏼 What all effective mediators also recognise is the absolute necessity of not taking sides, not apportioning blame, and not allowing someone to agree to a solution which they may regret doing later.

Mediation aims to help parties explore options and decide on a mutually agreeable outcome. There are so many benefits to them doing so, that it would be an ‘own goal’ for a mediator to try and push a solution.

No one knows an organisation better than the people who work there – so they will know potential obstacles to a solution working.

No one knows themselves and their needs better than the individual – so it is not for a mediator to tell them what they think, feel or need.

It is certainly a challenge as a mediator to be in a mediation session with parties who cannot see a solution that is right in front of them, and not lead them to it prematurely. Having been mediating for several years now though, what I have come to appreciate more and more is that people can problem-solve, if they are given the support. 

Also, that the more you trust the mediation process to work, the more it does work!

👊 So, myth = busted! A mediator does not ‘tell parties what to do’ – because they know that would likely be very unhelpful in achieving a long-lasting positive solution.

Myth FIVE: 💥 “Mediation is digging up the past” 💥

I must start by saying that the past will probably be discussed in mediation.

However, this is only done for a purpose and is not going to be the focus of the day.

Why is discussing the past important? Because a mediator recognises how much the ‘history’ of an issue, a relationship or a pattern of communicating will influence the likelihood of conflict recurring if it is not addressed.

That being said, mediation parties are only encouraged to share or discuss topics that they are willing to share or discuss. 

Sometimes, it is important to discuss the past because it is past assumptions or misunderstandings which have played a vital role in the relationship or communication breakdown.

Then, when the past has played its part, the focus moves to the now and the future. No mediator wants to go round in circles about what happened in the past. A mediator will want to help parties move towards problem-solving. In fact, if someone keeps bringing up the past beyond the point that it is helpful, a mediator will probably graciously challenge them about whether this approach is beneficial anymore.

👊 So, myth = busted! Though the past is often a necessary discussion point, it is not going to be the sole focus of the day and certainly not beyond what will support getting to a positive outcome.

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Emma Jenkings is an experienced workplace and employment mediator, conflict coach, DISC practitioner and trainer for businesses on communication, people skills, conflict, and assertiveness.