Ending Well. New Beginnings.

It is easy to scoff at making New Year’s resolutions, particularly because it is estimated that over half of those who make resolutions fail to keep to them within the first month! Though the success rate of keeping to them is so low, one of the reasons I am not opposed to resolutions is that it offers the chance for reflection and re-evaluation - a chance to make a fresh start. It's a way of putting a mental ‘full stop’ to the previous year and all that happened before. So, even if the big goals are not attained, it is likely that small changes will be.

New beginnings normally also involve endings – For habits or behaviours, a new approach to ‘healthy’ eating habits for example involves also putting an end to ‘unhealthy’ eating habits. How should we extend this approach to work and relationships, when things are often a lot more complicated and emotional?

When there has been a difficult end to someone’s employment, sometimes the aggrieved party will bring a claim to the Employment Tribunal. During the time that I was working there, it was common during the build up to the hearing for parties to be impatient for it just to be over, so that they ‘can get closure, whatever the decision’. The relief was often palpable once the case was done with. However, in my experience, though many were happy with having seen justice served, very few found that they felt the closure they had been seeking, solely through the tribunal hearing – particularly in the long term. Whether that party ‘won’ or ‘lost’, the feeling of having things left unresolved, or things left unsaid, remained. Years after leaving a job, it may still be upsetting to think about their past employer and how things ended.

This was one of the many reasons that led me to become trained as a Workplace and Employment Mediator – it felt like there must be another option available which would offer the opportunity for people to say what they have not felt able to, and maybe to get some insight into the other person’s motives and intentions.

Almost always during a mediation session, parties will talk about their previous jobs or experience as having influenced their current situation in a certain way.

Sometimes a fresh start may be a new job, or it may be a new career path, a new team or simply a new approach to the same job. Whatever the case may be, it is much easier to enjoy your new beginnings if there aren’t loose ends left behind. Often, the reason endings can feel so ‘messy’ is because of the ‘unknown’ of if you had said/done something differently or if you had not said/done something, would things be different? Would you feel better about everything?

‘Loose ends’ could involve:

· Having not explained the real reason for leaving the job, role or team to the relevant people

·Work relationships which have awkwardly drifted apart, without explanation or obvious reason

·Not finding out the reasons behind someone’s behaviour towards you

·Leaving on a bad note and regretting how it ended after time has passed

Though these issues may not seem particularly major, feelings of regret or of things being unresolved tend to stay with until they are addressed - either by confronting the situation or mentally ‘putting it to bed’. I am sure many people have imaginary conversations in the car or the shower, when you say what you wish you had said to the people involved. These conversations often just leave you with feelings of frustration that you hadn’t been able to do so in real life. You can’t go back and undo what has been done but it is much easier to enjoy the ‘new’ when you can think about the past without overwhelming negativity. So what can you do about it?

Previous ‘endings’:

1. Confront the past

Sometimes you can tie up loose ends by having a conversation with the relevant people about unresolved issues or unanswered questions - those people who you have probably having imaginary conversations with! For example, you may be able to have a conversation with someone where there was ambiguity about their intentions, etc. If that is possible, it is definitely worth deciding first whether you feel it is important to have the conversation, even if their response is not what you had hoped. Depending on your relationship history, it may be what is required to move on. If it seems highly unlikely to yield a positive result, then maybe think about the other options below.

2. Addressing your summary of events

It is often easier, when a situation has not turned out how we had hoped, to encapsulate everything that happened in that job/team/relationship as being as 'negative' as the situation which prompted the change - though generally there will be positives to take away. The positives, when acknowledged, may lessen the damaging impact of the negative memories. Maybe it is worth re-visiting those events which felt totally bad and reassessing whether the reality of the experience was 'all-bad' or whether the memory has actually been tainted by the stand out negative memories.

3. ‘To everything there is a season…’

As the quote suggests and whatever your philosophical views, most people will relate to the concept that sometimes phases of their life ended when they had not expected or wanted them to; but later on when they look back on it, they realise that it was the best thing that could have happened, because of what it led them to. It can be easy to cast everything in a bad light when you are not happy with your situation – unfriendly co-workers, incompetent managers, negative working environment – when potentially the reason for feeling that way was solely, or partially, just because it was time for change. Time for a new season.

Future 'endings'

You can’t change the past, but it is possible to put into practice some principles for future ‘endings’, so that you could ‘end well’ in future:

1. How do you want to be remembered?

I remember when I was in a previous job and nearing the beginning of leave, that I was determined to get as much as I could humanly do to get it done so that the last memory of my co-workers had of me was not the mountain of work they had to do once I had left! Even in a more complicated situation, if you want to avoid having ‘loose ends’ with people or finishing with a negative memory which overrides any positive moments, being aware of the lasting memory people will have of you can help to regulate how you behave, so that you don’t have lasting regrets.

2. You can only control your own actions

There will always be external stressors which have the potential to make it difficult to maintain composure and keep behaviours in check. However, it is worth remembering that we cannot control anyone else’s behaviour but only how we respond. If someone else behaves unreasonably, that will be noticed – just as whether the response to such behaviour is equally unreasonable or instead, notably professional.

3. You get a ‘fresh start’ by ‘ending well’

It is very difficult to have a ‘fresh start’ when there has been a messy ending. Sometimes you can’t control how well things end but in moments where you are at a cross roads about how to respond to someone or an event, it may be helpful to think of the future in two ways: firstly, that the moment you are in will not last forever and hopefully there are more positive things to come; and, secondly, that what you do in the lead up to an ‘end’ could impact your future. This is especially true if it has earned you a certain reputation which could brought up at a future in-opportune moment. In addition, there is always the possibility that ex-colleagues might re-enter your life or career at unexpected moments.

So, if you are currently having a moment of reflection and plan to make changes or to have a ‘fresh start’, take some time to think first about how you plan on ending the current phase. Whether that change involves a new job, a new team or simply a new way of prioritising your work and home life, how are you going to ensure that you can make a positive change by ‘ending well’?

If you want to know more about how mediation could help to resolve concerns or disputes in your workplace, or if you would like to know more about the services we can offer to prevent unnecessary conflict, please get in contact. You can email emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or through the Contact page on the website.