That's Not What I Would Do

“Human behaviour is an enormously complex set of things, and that mixture of underlying things is different for different people, so it’s not just complex, it’s meta-complex.” Vivienne Ming

How often do you observe other people and are baffled by what they say or do - how they drive, or parent, or do their job or how they treat other people? Human behaviour can be very difficult to understand at times – particularly if we come from a completely different perspective or background.

Upon talking to other parents about the approaching festivities, it is interesting to hear how different each family approaches the different traditions they have around Christmas with their children: the story behind Christmas, which presents come from Father Christmas and which from the family, how Father Christmas can get in the house if there’s no chimney, etc. Every family has a different way of doing things or explaining things, and each tradition may seem like a lovely idea to one family but yet completely bizarre to another.

It is generally accepted that people will have different Christmas family traditions. It is only when their approach or tradition directly impacts our own, that conflict may occur. For example, when two people with different traditions begin a romantic relationship, they then must decide which traditions from each person’s family to continue with or compromise on. This process may sound simple but is often fraught with tension in practice! I have heard about very heated discussions between couples about whether to buy a tin one brand of chocolates or another, or whether a star or angel should go on the tree, or even whether to open one gift on Christmas Eve, all gifts first thing in the morning or only after Christmas dinner.

The same can be true when we are interacting with others at work. Often subconsciously, we take note of our colleagues’ performance or methods of working and measure them up against our own. We will notice potentially trivial things – such as their speed of typing up a document, how they speak to a client, or their willingness to do the ‘drinks round’. And we will also make note of potentially more significant behaviours – such as how well they perform against their targets, their ability to handle pressure or how they communicate with others. And, if their approach, speed or ability is different to our own, it will be noted.

As a society we are getting better at accepting differences in how people live and look but differences in how people relate, communicate or do their job is still likely to frustrate or cause annoyance. For example:

·Some people keep their desks tidy and some do not.

·Some people seem to take lots of breaks and some don’t seem to stop working.

·Some people greet everyone as they enter a room while others keep their heads down and get straight to work.

·Some like to sing or chat while they work, while others prefer to work silently.

·Some people handle stress calmly, while others can be reactive.

All these differences in approach have the potential to cause friction. Depending on how individuals respond to these frustrations, it could lead to nothing, or there could be a build-up of little annoyances to the point of incredible frustration, arguments or even an eventual unwillingness to work with the other person. So how can these little annoyances be managed so as not to lead to conflict?

1. Be aware of what triggers your frustration/irritation

So often we can get frustrated with another person but are able to rationalise our reaction. More often than we would like to admit, there may have been a build-up of little niggles about how the other person does things and it may only be a minor things that happens but will feel like the ‘final straw’ – for example, noting small annoyances about a colleague generally being untidy or clumsy, and to getting really annoyed if they simply drop some paperwork on the floor. Here by the time the person realises their frustration about their colleague (having not realised the impact of the little frustrations previously), they attribute it solely to that one final event – justifying their reaction as reasonable – when if there had been no build-up of niggles, they may not have reacted as strongly.

Knowing what triggers your frustration may help to keep your reactions in check and in proportion to the event.

2. Decide how much it matters to you

This is basically another way of saying ‘pick your battles’. It is human nature to be wound up by other people and their idiosyncrasies. However, in order to have good friendships and productive working relationships, we need to decide what behaviours or irritations to address and what to label in our minds as ‘not an issue’. Allowing minor irritations to jeopardise a positive relationship (or potentially positive relationship) would not be helpful for you, the other person, or your work. Is it worth addressing? If not, it would be advantageous to all concerned to decide whether to consciously ignore behaviours that irritate you, or whether you allow those behaviours to impact your ability to work productively with that person.

However, if the behaviours that irritate you are also impacting other people or your organisation negatively, then they could be addressed by having a private conversation and approaching the subject sensitively. This approach would be more beneficial than allowing the issue to become fodder for gossip or the source of more frustration.

3. Different does not automatically = wrong

“People who think they know it all are especially annoying to those of us who do.” Anonymous

It is so easy to assume that how we do things is the best way. Sometimes it may be the case, but unless it is very clear that a different approach is going to be damaging for people or for the organisation, it is beneficial to allow for the possibility that there is more than one ‘right’ way. It is possible to have an untidy desk but a very organised mind, and to have a curt way of communicating with colleagues but be engaging with clients, and to not do the ‘drinks round’ but be a great teammate in other areas of work life. We don’t always ‘know what’s best’.

4. Learn about your colleagues

It is fascinating as a mediator, to observe parties to a mediation learning more about each other in a way that changes their perspective on previous events. So many people assume they know all they need to know about another person’s background or experience or reasons behind decisions or behaviours. When, on hearing more about the other party’s motives or professional experience or personal history, it provides understanding about them, which often automatically reduces the conflict. We tend to get frustrated with things we don’t understand, so essentially understanding the ‘why?’ is likely to lessen frustration. How well do you really know your colleagues?

5. You are annoying too!

It is much easier to be gracious about other people’s idiosyncrasies when we are equally aware of our own idiosyncrasies. We all have little habits that may seem sweet or funny to some people but very annoying to others. Having the ability to laugh at – or moderate if it’s appropriate – our own quirks or habits, will make it more likely to laugh off other people’s quirks and habits, rather than get annoyed at them.

"Acceptance (once you get the hang of it) instantly frees you from the frustration associated with difficult people, no matter who they are, whether loved ones or total strangers, and no matter what form their offensiveness takes, whether it be meanness, rudeness or selfishness." Richard Carlson PHD

In short, it is natural to get irritated by others, but it is more enjoyable not to if possible. I am sure that you will have had people coming to mind as you have been reading this article. It would be good to hear your experience after employing the 5 tips above and what difference it makes to your relationship with them.

If you would like to hear more about any of our services – including mediation or communication training and conflict avoidance, please get in contact. You can do so by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or through the Contact page on the website www.mosaicmediation.co.uk .