When they tell you there's tissue stuck to your shoe...

Why has there been so much research, training and writing done on what is typically a part of every workplace?

One-to-one’s, annual reviews, target setting, performance reviews… Why is so much time invested on learning about feedback, when feedback is essentially communicating relevant information to another person, based on your observations? It doesn’t sound difficult. You observe something and pass that observation on.

So, why is this topic revisited so often?

Why is this a skill that team leaders, directors, spouses and teachers continue to fine-tune? Because...

Positive feedback is a topic that is discussed less. Yes, this practice of encouragement and praise will always benefit from focus and re-evaluation, and it can be a challenge for some people to offer positive feedback. So, it should not be assumed that positive feedback doesn’t require attention or learning.

However, positive feedback tends not to be actively avoided. Generally, when you give positive feedback, the response by the person on the receiving end of it is going to be very favourable. So, positive feedback is pretty much an ‘easy win’ for relationships - whether they are friends, family or co-workers. There’s very little risk of issues arising from it.

Whereas when there is a need to give feedback that contains an element of criticism, challenge or that highlights a ‘skill gap’, people tend to be much less willing to be the bringer of ‘bad news’.

And, maybe that’s why people avoid it…? Because, people view feedback as a wholly negative action.

Critical feedback often gets a bad reputation. Instinctively, people get defensive when they are being told that they didn’t do something well, or they are surprised with criticism, when they expected praise. If you thought that the act of giving critical feedback has no upside, why would you want to do it?!

If you expect that people won’t take it well. Though, when feedback is reserved for annual reviews, or when the balance of praise and challenge falls heavily on the latter side, I can see why it’s not received well.

Yet, I also see the unfortunate results of feedback NOT being given.

Sometimes, managers avoid feedback because they aren’t sure whether it’s worth doing - if there is a possibility that they might get a bad reaction, or they hope that the issue will resolve itself. For many it may feel like feedback can be the trigger for conflict and issues, rather than something which has the potential to prevent future conflict.

When this happens, people’s blind spots remain unnoticed and errors keep happening. I know of situations where one manager (who ignored mistakes and only praised) leaves, and the next manager provides a more balanced approach – this new manager will naturally look like the ‘bad cop’ in comparison, whether their feedback is accurate or not.

Feedback done well, however, is helpful!

What does feedback done well look like?

This is the ideal scenario in a workplace:

· When everyone involved in a situation understands their contribution and is encouraged to improve for next time.

· When a workplace culture inspires regular, informal feedback that demonstrates care and inspires self-development.

· One where there isn’t a focus on blaming, naming and shaming.

· One where there is a balance between praise and critical feedback.

So, how can you determine whether to provide feedback on something or not?

A very popular acronym to help with deciding on this is ‘T.H.I.N.K.’ So, is what you are going to share:

· True

· Helpful

· Inspiring

· Necessary

· Kind

In preparation for a mediation, I reassure participants who are concerned that they may fall into unhelpful communication habits during the day, that they can run things they want to say passed me first. It’s amazing how much a little thought, and the outside perspective from someone who can help them frame their words and approach, can improve the positivity and productivity of a conversation.

In moments of heightened emotions, it’s easy to remove the ‘grace filter’ from our communication. To just ‘say it like it is’. However, it is worth noting that feedback without thought is feedback with friction! Using the above acronym, you can give feedback in a way that is honest and gracious.

TIP: People often need a little heads up about feedback. Sometimes – particularly in personal relationships – it may also be helpful to get their assent to you giving them feedback. (Even if you have followed the ‘T.H.I.N.K.’ acronym, that individual or that relationship may not be in the necessary ‘space’ to receive feedback from you at that time.)

I use the ‘Johari Window’ (Luft & Ingham, 1955) as an illustration during my mediations for how the session can be used for everyone’s benefit. And also to demonstrate that neither we, nor others, are all aware of the same aspects of our personality or behaviour. There are 4 parts to this window: the Public part – that is known to us and others; the Private – which is only known to us; the Blindspot – which is only known to others; and, there is the Unknown part of us – that no one is aware of.

However, the aspects of each person which is currently contained in the Private, Blindspot or Unknown area can become ‘public’:

· Those things which are private can be disclosed to others – rather than assuming they already know.

· Those things which are unknown can be revealed through coaching – encouraging self-reflection, questioning and gentle challenge.

· Those elements of our personality which are blind spots can be realised through… FEEDBACK.

And, that is why feedback done well is a ‘gift’. Feedback done well is the equivalent of someone telling you privately that you have toilet roll stuck to your shoe. The equivalent to a neighbour reminding you that it is ‘bin day’ as they are passing (the black one, not the green one!).

I wonder whether the approach to giving feedback would be different if they, instead, saw feedback as a gift – as having the potential to transform a person’s perspective, to level up their self-awareness, to benefit their relationships, to remove another blind spot and open up the conversation for continual improvement and self-development .

Feedback takes away the assumption that ‘they already know’. It has the power to reveal something about them that they had no idea about. Something, which had it remained ‘unknown’, could have led to irreparable damage to their reputation, relationships, or wellbeing.

So if you ‘T.H.I.N.K’ and attempt to:

· Recognise and acknowledge positive action and achievements

· Be gracious about mistakes or areas of improvement

· Offer specific solutions or suggestions

· Use positive assertive communication

· Inspire a culture where there is regular, balanced feedback.

…It’s much more likely that your feedback will be received graciously too!

For more information on 1:1 Conflict Resolution & Assertiveness Coaching, or Workplace Mediation, please click HERE. To book a ‘Power Hour’ session with Emma Jenkings, click HERE. Make sure you sign up for the Mosaic Mediation newsletter to receive updates, articles and information on the resources constantly being updated for individuals and companies.