Not agreeing to disagree
Emma Jenkings • 15 July 2021
How to discuss opposing opinions peacefully
You will
disagree with hundreds of people in your lifetime. There will be topics or views that are an automatic trigger for conflict when discussed with certain people.
So, what do you do? Do you avoid tricky topics, or do you find a way to discuss them? Do you agree to disagree? Perhaps you find debate or conflict really uncomfortable to be around?
Though it may be appropriate at times to hold off until you are in a more appropriate environment, have developed a more effective approach, or to ‘agree to disagree’ after a conversation, to proactively not discuss a topic largely results in unspoken resentment, misunderstandings, and division.
People will think differently and it may not even be an issue at times. The potential for conflict arises, however, when one person thinks the other person is ‘wrong’ for having their alternate opinion.
You see though most people will inclusively and compassionately say that ‘everyone is different’, in daily interactions individuals are more likely to feel at ease with people who share the same opinions as them - which creates a feeling of validation and community. It can feel unsettling to not understand someone’s perspective or thought process.
In relating to others with differing views, the difficulty generally occurs when there is a difference of opinion which extends beyond the two individuals, or when the difference is portrayed as a morality issue.
Difference of opinion or morals?
Exploring this concept a little further:
a) When the difference of opinion is between groups of people, there is an additional factor (on top of the individual perspective) to be considered: the group mentality.
In this case, the opinion is validated and solidified by the shared opinion of the group so I would want to understand the following questions…
o What does the individual gain from being in that group?
o Does the shared opinion provide a sense of community, identity or purpose?
o What shared experiences exist in the group?
o What led to the group being formed?
o What does the group offer that other people/groups/society does not?
b) When the differing opinion is portrayed or perceived as an issue of morality it adds a layer of complication to the discussion.
It stops feeling objective and starts to feel personal.
To tell someone they 'should' have a different opinion will likely feel like an attack on their morality and identity.
o An opinion which results in offence being taken or verbal condemnation being given then shuts down the potential for a productive conversation.
It is a challenge to understand even mundane differences, let alone issues which cut a little deeper. For example, many would find it difficult to understand the perspective of someone who felt it was acceptable to make racist comments. One of the most successful examples of a peacefully proactive approach to an extreme perspective from Daryl Davis
- a black man who, since 1983, has managed to collect more than two dozen Klan robes from men who changed their minds about white supremacy after he befriended them. He attends rallies, he enters conversations, and he asks questions.
Though the above situation may feel more extreme than your average 'difference of opinion', the approach would apply just as well to other less intense topics. So, what is to be done when someone has an opinion which is not only different to your own, but also has the potential to lead to unproductive – or even destructive – consequences if they maintain their opinion? Put simply, if they are willing to, have the difficult conversations and seek to understand.
I always try to establish certain fragments of information from a client who is going through or managing conflict, when determining the most relevant method of support.
I would find out about:
The history of the relationship
How important or sensitive they are about the topic
o How important or sensitive the other person may be about the topic
What is to be gained by discussing it
What the consequences could be if it is avoided, or brought up in an ineffectual way.
This type of background information is hugely important when deciding how to approach the conflict in a way that addresses the topic but does not cause further conflict or damage to the relationship. Each of the above elements would influence how I would support and equip the client in having an effective conversation.
There are, however, some do’s and don’ts that tend to be universally applicable if someone is open to a discussion:
1. Don’t attempt to shame someone out of their opinion – rather than leading to an informative discussion and greater understanding, the result is likely to be aggression or defensiveness… and an even more embedded opinion
2. Don’t start with persuasion – (see point 1). People generally do not enjoy being convinced about a topic they feel strongly about and will likely be less open to exploring a different perspective if they sense that is happening. Healthy debate – if appropriate at all - works best AFTER seeking to understand first.
3. DO ask questions without inference of criticism – remembering that something or someone has informed their view on the topic. There will be a reason.
• By asking questions, not only do you understand why they have formed that opinion, but it is also likely to lead them into greater self-reflection.
• This in turn can lead to either doubts to explore, or clarity on what they really think and why.
4. DO give them an opportunity to adjust their opinion – When we tell someone what or who they are as if their personality or behaviour is fixed, it can damage the trust in the relationship and lead to the other person withdrawing and becoming more entrenched in their opinion.
• Focussing the communication around behaviours, outcomes or issues rather than the person’s identity will enable them to explore their beliefs and adjust them without a sense of judgement.
5. Look for points of mutual agreement – Divisive language does not encourage positive change but rather it enforces and entrenches people.
• Whereas when you find common ground, it leaves the door open for developing the relationship, having open-hearted conversations and the potential for change.
Finally, remember to be mindful of the fact that everyone will have different experiences, backgrounds and beliefs – even those people that you truly care about will have different opinions to you on an aspect of life, work, parenting, relationships, communication or beliefs. Talking through these issues has the potential to strengthen and deepen a relationship, even if you do still disagree.
Also, having productive and compassionate conversations around these different opinions may be the only opportunity some people will have to hear a different perspective and perhaps see things differently for themselves.
Though the conversation may not lead to positive change, there will still have been some benefits:
- You will have a greater understanding of their perspective
- It will make unity more likely than division
- You will feel a greater openness in the communication
- It can lead to future positive conversations
- You may learn something new about the topic too!
There is no getting round the fact that such conversations are likely to feel awkward at first, but they could be exactly what is needed for everyone involved. Remember that a helpful aim for such conversations is NOT to convince the individual to change their mind, but for each other to learn something new about the other person, and to approach them with curiosity rather than condemnation.
#leadwithcuriosity #leadwithkindness #timetotalk
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