You Don't Know Me

Think about when you receive gifts for a birthday or Christmas. Everyone has received a gift which makes them question how much the giver of the gift actually understands them. Often that kind of situation can be laughed off, but it is still likely to cause friction – particularly if it happens more than once or twice. The reality is that we want to believe that people we associate with – particularly family and close friends – understand us and know our interests.

Every individual has traits that they identify as being part of what makes them ‘who they are’ – for example, a ‘good father’, a ‘strong person’, ‘trustworthy’, a ‘good friend’. If someone else then communicates that they don’t think they are that type of person, it creates conflict both within that person and with the person who gave the feedback. It creates conflict, whether this person is factually correct or not. While most people are all too aware of their faults and failings, they still don’t want to be perceived in a way that conflicts with how they see themselves – particularly if it is on the more negative side.

This is even more challenging if it happens with colleagues or someone in management at work as it may affect, not just relationships, but potentially their career development. There is always the risk that feedback from other colleagues, management or staff members will include observations or opinions that conflict with how an individual perceives themselves. When this happens, it may be difficult to know how to move forward – especially if you don’t initially agree with the feedback.

Some comments can be ignored or intentionally forgotten but, often, these comments stick in the mind and can fester or cause concern about how their character or skills are perceived by others. For some people it may affect their confidence, their ability to socialise with colleagues or even their sleeping patterns. For those who already deal with social anxiety – which is defined as fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people – hearing that other people see you in a negative light (or at least in a way that contradicts their own perception of their personality), will only heighten those pre-existing fears and worries.

In terms of relationships, it is likely to cause friction and also maybe a tendency to avoid the other person or act defensively around them. When the opinion is left unaddressed but is still in the back of the person’s mind, the friction or defensiveness between those individuals will only be reinforced and will then increase the likelihood of conflict developing. In my experience as a mediator, very often people become defensive when they are all too aware of how they might be seen by other people – even if they are not being judged that way - and it can be the start of strained communication and a tumultuous relationship.

To move forward, efforts need to be made to improve the situation but also to not allow it to dominate your attention or damage your relationships. Here are 7 different ways you can do that:

1. Accept that people will always have an opinion – however, that does not mean that they are factually correct. We all know that if you put ten people in a room to discuss a topic, you are probably going to hear ten different opinions on it. They can’t all be factually correct, but it is inevitable that they will have different perceptions.

2. Consider the source – unfortunately, some people are more likely to criticise or point out the negatives in someone (whether it’s there or not!), so bearing that in mind will hopefully mean you take their comments less personally. Similarly, if there has been any previous conflict with that person, it is worth acknowledging that the past could influence their opinion. That being said, there may still be an element of truth despite the bad history.

3. Self-reflect – consider whether there is any truth to the feedback. Nobody likes negative feedback, but it can be utilised for good if, on self-reflection, there are elements of your behaviour that would benefit from being acknowledged and worked on – there may even be a need to make reparations for behaviour which has adversely affected someone else.

· Consider that allowing insecurities to prevent you from developing yourself or your career would not benefit anyone.

·Even, if the feedback turns out not to be applicable, taking a minute to check before you put it out your mind, is likely to still be helpful.

4. Character is shown through actions – regardless of opinions, showing consistent character traits through how you act speaks volumes.

5. Stop comparing – there may be people who we see as role models but if we start to compare ourselves to other people it can form new insecurities or even amplify existing ones.

6. Challenge the feedback – it may be appropriate with some people to have a conversation about the feedback or opinion that you have received about yourself. This type of conversation has the potential to create more conflict, so it may be helpful t o write down what you want to say before you have the conversation and to proactively seek to understand how they have arrived at their opinion during the conversation.

7. Be forward-thinking – focus on the future and on any positive changes you intend to make, or behaviours you intend to continue displaying. Try to not allow any resentment or negativity to dominate your mind, or adversely influence your relationships or your behaviour.

Even the most emotionally secure individual will be disappointed if other people see them in a way that is negative, or is at odds with how they see themselves or their behaviour. However, conflict does not need to be an inevitable outcome. Implementing some of the ideas above should help to avoid unnecessary conflict and enable a positive and forward-thinking mentality.

If you would like to talk to a mediator about how mediation could improve a difficult situation in your workplace or how communication training could help to establish a work culture of positive and healthy workplace relationships and may help to avoid unnecessary conflict, please get in contact. You can do by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or through the Contact page .