Enough is Enough!

“How do you know when to walk away?”

I have had mediation clients and coaching clients ask me the same thing in various ways over the year.

As a workplace mediator, I know that most mediations will come to me because one or more of the below have happened:

·      A grievance has been raised

·      A public or distressing argument occurred

·      Someone feels mistreated or discriminated against by the other person or the organisation

·      The organisation does not feel the other person is working to their best

·      It has been incredibly difficult to interact or work with someone

·      Senior leaders are in fundamental disagreement on an issue or their relationship

All the above situations cause damage to trust and discomfort in a relationship. And all the above indicate a need to address what has happened but also for some positive change to happen if the individuals involved feel able to work with each other – or, to conclude their working relationship with civility.

However, what if the people involved are unsure whether the effort required is actually worth the potential result?

Essentially, how does someone decide that enough is enough?

I love seeing people resolve issues and develop even better relationships, however I recognise when a working relationship is not sustainable. It may not even be because it cannot be fixed, but that the amount of effort required by both people feels too much. The gain is not enough to justify the pain!

1.      So, the first step is deciding what you want. Why do you want or need this relationship to improve?

2.      The second step is deciding whether the steps required to potentially improve the relationship are reasonable and that doing them is worth the effort.

If your response to the first question is confused and uncertain, spend time exploring what has happened before now, what you had hoped for this relationship and whether there are some issues that have cropped up along the way that have not yet been addressed.

If you are unclear on what you want, this will inhibit you from knowing how to address issues and from focussing on resolution.

Sometimes a mediation seems to be going in circles and it becomes apparent that this is happening because there was some incident that happened previously, and one or both people are avoiding discussing it. After a private conversation is had with them, and the individual has figured out how to bring it up, the matter can be addressed, assumptions can be challenged, or context can be provided, and they are able to then focus on moving forward.

If the answer to the second question is: ‘No, it does not feel worth it’, I would then check this initial response for any unhelpful influencing factors.

Such as, does the effort not feel worth it because you have decided they won’t change or acknowledge what went wrong, without giving them an ample opportunity? Do they understand where you are coming from or what they have done to make you feel a certain way – or are you just assuming that they do?

It may be that you have given many chances to them, and they are fully cognisant of what they need to do and have just not followed through – out of choice or complacency. In which case it is entirely understandable to not believe that they will alter their behaviour.

Or are previous experiences with similar people or situations causing you to feel that this situation will end up the same way?

It is not uncommon for an individual to remind you of someone else – in their mannerisms or approach or communication style. Without realising it, some of those old frustrations or hurts we encountered with the other person can influence how we interact and think about this individual.

Perhaps, you have experienced a similar situation before and the ‘fight or flight’ instinct is leading you to behave defensively, or to retreat before there is the possibility of this situation concluding as before.

Or are you putting too much responsibility on them for what went wrong, and actually more accountability is required on your part?

We like to think that we are very aware and self-aware of what is going on around us, but the reality is that we all have blind spots, and no-one is a mind-reader. So, it is entirely possible that there is information that you are currently unaware of.

What do you NOT know about them?

Are there other factors that are influencing their behaviour – stress, relationships, financial worries, health concerns, mental ill health, or assumptions on their part?

We all too often forget that, just as we excuse ourselves for how we behaved when tired or stressed or oblivious to how someone else experienced our behaviour, so too might grace be beneficial when they are in a similar position.

If, however, the answer to the second question is either, ‘I’m not sure’ or ‘Yes!’, you need to determine what steps are required to improve the situation and implement those necessary steps.

It is not enough to just know what the problem is.

If you are unsure what needs to happen next, then it is likely that you need additional support. This could be through seeking advice (legal or otherwise) or seeking an alternative perspective on the situation. Perhaps, what you really need is time, space, and coaching to get clear on what has happened, what you want, and what can be done next.

As Dan Brown says:

“Sometimes all it takes is a tiny shift of perspective to see something familiar in a totally new light.”

If you are currently requiring clarity or support for managing a personal or work-related relationship challenge, then please get in contact. Emma Jenkings is a qualified workplace mediator, conflict coach, DISC practitioner, communication trainer and is a Branch Director for Mediator Network.