"What if I fail?"
The FEAR Factor
No sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, nor even a sense of discomfort for this rare species. There are a select few who jump into tricky conversations without delay or thought. No sweaty palms, racing heartbeat, nor even a sense of discomfort for this rare species.
(On occasion though, it may be of benefit for everyone if they did have a little fear!)
MOST people do find difficult, truth-telling conversations to be just a little anxiety-inducing.
Yes, it may be because they don't want to offend or hurt someone. Or, they haven't figured out quite what to say yet.
But the FEAR factor is also often at play. A keen contributing factor to not having the difficult, truth-telling conversation.
"What if I try - really try - and I don't get the outcome I wanted?"
The Truth
We humans generally love to feel in control of what is happening around us and to us. But, we cannot control the thoughts and feelings of other people. This means that in spite of our best efforts, a conversation may NOT go how we wanted.
Even in mediation, even when a resolution has been reached, some people will want more...
...for the relationship to be completely restored by the end.
...for the other person to agree to all of THEIR terms.
...for the other person to only say positive things about them.
...for their relationship to be without challenge or investment of effort following the mediation.
The truth is that all relationships that are worth something, are worth the effort it takes to produce REAL peace.
And, sometimes that peace means you work hard again at the relationship, following a breakthrough conversation.
Sometimes that peace means accepting the relationship is not perfect (and wasn't even before the conflict) but that you have a better foundation to build upon now.
Sometimes that peace means you hear some difficult feedback about yourself.
Or, even that success is not that 'I won' but that you both came out with something.
And, if I fail...
...what have you gained?
When I have facilitated a mediation where there has either been no written agreement or where someone still feels a little disheartened, we talk through what the process has given them anyway. And, here are some of the things parties have told me:
- "I felt able to speak up honestly"
- "I found out something about them which made me see things in a totally different light"
- "You helped me understand how to phrase what I wanted to say in a more effective way"
- "I feel clearer on what decision I need to make now"
- "I felt totally 'safe' throughout - even though I had been dreading talking to them"
- "We got to an agreement when I thought we would not be able to agree on anything at all"
- "I learned so much about myself during this process and what works or doesn't work when trying to communicate"
...and what would have happened if you didn't try to have this conversation?
More often than not, issues would have gotten worse or remained the same, but without having the clarity required to make an informed decision. Issues would likely have escalated and involved more people. Resentments and assumptions would become embedded rather than checked or corrected.
And, ultimately, you would have missed out on all the potential gains (see above!).
People learn a lot about each other and about themselves when having these tricky conversations - particularly if they have the support and feedback from a professional whilst having the conversation.
Don't let fear get in the way of a necessary conversation. As the saying goes, 'Feel the fear and do it anyway!' (And, with the support of someone skilled in communication and conflict resolution to improve your chances of success.)
Get in touch for guidance on how to improve the success of difficult conversations by emailing enquiries@mosaicmediation.co.uk or going to the CONTACT page.
