Victim or victor?

We have all been wronged. It is natural and, many would say, necessary to acknowledge the hurt caused, the injustice done and the anger that resulted from it. In mediation, acknowledgment goes a long way in understanding what has happened and therefore being able to move forward positively.

The difficulty comes when the person goes beyond a temporary state of self-pity to a state where being ‘the victim’ becomes part of their mentality . This is a tricky subject because as much as I think it is important for it to be discussed, I am aware that this could be a sensitive issue for people - even the term 'self-pity', though purely descriptive, can feel dismissive of whatever hurt has been suffered. I am aware also that some of the wrongs that have been endured by people have been considerably damaging and the last thing people need to hear is that their feelings aren't justified, nor that there is a specific time limit on being allowed to feel wronged. The intention behind writing this is to highlight how easy it can be to fall into the trap of long-term self-pity and the negative consequences of not breaking out of that mentality– whether the initial incident or incidents were significant or seemingly minor.

For those that have been victimised or have grown up in a culture where they have witnessed victimisation, it is a natural survival technique to limit any damage caused when the perceived 'inevitable’ happens, by expecting to be harmed by people or to assume that they will fail. The problem is that when a person gets set in the mentality of being a victim they can feel powerless and floundering in that feeling, rather than tackling issues head-on. Someone with a victim mentality may even be unable to see themselves as being able to do harm (to themselves or to others) - the assumption being that they are always the one in the right or the one being victimised.

If a person feels powerless, this will inevitably have a negative impact on their self-confidence which can lead to a person becoming defensive or extremely self-deprecating. The effect this could have on someone’s work life would be a destructive cycle : lacking in confidence, therefore unable to make productive and proactive decisions; leading to defensiveness towards colleagues and management; an inability to take responsibility for mistakes; therefore, incapacitating their own development and improvement. Most people find criticism of themselves unpleasant in the least but those who see themselves as the victim will significantly struggle to receive constructive criticism from a spouse, friend or management at work as it would feel like an attack instead of potentially beneficial feedback.

The sad irony is that those who take on the victim mentality are the least likely to be aware of this being a part of their personality. It is safe to assume that to some extent, we all have the potential to perceive ourselves as a victim. The key is to be aware of this potential, to acknowledge it if it happens and to feel empowered enough to change our mentality. Here are some of the characteristics a person with the victim mentality may possess:

1. Blaming everyone or everything but themselves for mistakes

2. Constant state of self-pity

3. Unable to put up essential boundaries with others

4. Feeling unable to trust others

5. Unable to be assertive

6. Holding onto grudges

7. Comparing self to others constantly

8. Extremely argumentative

9. Cuts people off without resolution (or any attempts to resolve situation)

10. Extremely defensive when criticised (or feeling criticised)

American writer, Richard Bach, said the following:

"If it' s never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we 'll always be its victim. ”

In all honesty, we can all possess some of these qualities some of the time. However, if we instead take responsibility for our actions and our outlook on life, we can positively impact our work, our home life and our relationships with others.

So how do you support or manage someone if they have a victim mentality? Here are some suggestions:

Firstly, recognise that if someone feels like they are continually being victimised by others, demanding that they just toughen up will not help matters. Belittling someone's emotions only encourages the victim mentality to become more entrenched.

Secondly, listen to them and how they feel about themselves or a situation. People need to feel heard - even if their feelings about the situation don't match your perception of reality. Only after listening can you move on to focusing on the positive.

Thirdly, encourage and praise them about their skills and abilities. People make the best decisions when they have confidence in their ability to make decisions and are acknowledged for it.

Lastly, empower them with the knowledge that they have a choice over what they do next. Think through solutions to whatever issue they are struggling with. We cannot control what others do or say but we do have control over our own actions.

The famous writer and poet William Wordsworth said:

"Life is divided into three terms - that which was, which is, and which will be. Let us learn from the past to profit by the present, and from the present to live better in the future .”

If you have been wronged in the past, it is right for you to acknowledge it and the impact it has had on you. I would encourage anyone who has been wronged to be cautious of letting that feeling of being a 'victim' become a part of your mentality in the long-term. A very clear article providing practical tips on improving self-esteem and breaking out of the victim mentality can be found using this link: http://www.positivityblog.com/how-to-break-out-of-a-victim-mentality-7-powerful-tips/

If we are self-aware enough about the potential to take on a victim mentality when we have been wronged, then the likelihood of bringing unnecessary conflict into our lives is significantly diminished.

If you or anyone you know is in need of a neutral third party to enable communication during a dispute or conflict in the workplace, please get in touch by emailing emma.jenkings@mosaicmediation.co.uk or through the Contact page on our website.