When Does it Stop Being ‘Funny’?

It is the question that gets asked in workplaces across the country and I often get asked this as a mediator and conflict coach:

“What constitutes acceptable workplace banter and when does it stop being ‘just a laugh’?”

The ‘b’ word comes up regularly as the pre-cursor that leads to mediation. These are the most common mediation situations where bullying is mentioned:

·In the course of the day, it becomes apparent that an objective person might reasonably consider the behaviour to be bullying.

·There is a genuine case where it seems that workplace banter went too far, despite having innocent intentions.

·A catalogue of misunderstandings led to a diagnosis by someone that they were being bullied, and the mediation bring clarity that perhaps that was not the case.

Humour, positive energy and fun are definitely attributes you would find in a happy and productive working environment. So, when does the humour cross the line from being ‘harmless banter’ to being destructive bullying behaviour?

(NOTE: I will use the keywords ‘aware’ and ‘notice’ a lot going forward...)

Here are some things to be AWARE of when enjoying a laugh with colleagues:

1. Do you notice anyone go quiet or look away? That could indicate discomfort, embarrassment, or disagreement with what has just been said.

2. Is the comment/joke being said regularly and do you notice whether it is getting the same reaction or has that changed?

3. Does the comment/joke relate to a sensitive topic, such as race, religion, gender, mental health or disability?

  a.If so, are you absolutely sure that the comment/joke is not causing offence to anyone involved in the conversation, or overhearing the conversation?

  b.Does the comment/joke reflect well on you or your organisation?

  c.Are you aware of the ramifications if someone believes the comment/joke constitutes bullying or discrimination?

Writing this article, I am so aware of the discussions I have had over the years with clients feeling like they ‘can’t say anything anymore’ for fear of causing offence. I know that it is extremely difficult to find that balance between being yourself in the workplace and having fun, and not knowing when you might cross the line.

There are many genuine people out there who have no intention of causing offense or hurting their colleagues feelings and are simply UNaware. There are also people who intend to belittle others through seemingly minor behaviours or comments, so how do you differentiate yourself from them ?

The key really is to take notice of what is happening around you. Notice people’s reactions to what is being joked about – not just whether they laughed or not, but did the laughter feel genuine or instinctive? What did they do next?

Be aware of the type of communication style the people around you have and what kind of relationship or history you have with them, as that is highly likely to affect their perceptions of your intentions and meaning behind the words or behaviour.

Stephen M.R. Covey said that ‘We judge ourselves by our intentions and others by their behaviour’.

It is often in the small things that the relationship challenges start – noticing how people interact with you in comparison to other people, or how included they are. (Yes, adults are greatly impacted by that sense of inclusion or exclusion in the workplace!) So, if your intentions are innocent, does your behaviour make that clear?

In the year of 2020, never has technology seemed so important and integral to how we communicate with colleagues. The huge uptake in videocalls have led to another form of behaviour to learn and understand. And, not seeing people regularly may make it even more difficult to clarify your intentions. So, it may seem either funny at first or totally innocent to…

·Keep your screen off during videocalls – But what is that action communicating to the other person? Does it make them feel respected or vulnerable?

·Not thinking through what you are sending in emails or messages – Will they be fully aware of the intended tone or intention of the message?

·Leave people out of correspondence or change meeting times without informing them – What does this communicate to them? What is the impact on them or their reputation? How will this impact the necessary trust required for a productive and positive working relationship?

Again, I am not trying to be the ‘fun police’ here. Rather, my intention is to make people see what is happening before it leads to unnecessary conflict – to prevent misunderstandings and protect relationships.

The key is to NOTICE what is happening within your relationship with the other person and how they response. To be AWARE of the type of relationship you have with your colleagues. ‘Harmless banter’ only remains ‘harmless’ if everyone involved or around believes it to be harmless and is sure of the intention behind it.

Emma Jenkings is an accredited workplace and employment mediator and trained conflict coach. Through mediation, coaching, advisory services and training, Emma enables organisations and individuals become more effective at managing conflict and developing more positive, peaceful and productive working relationships. For more information on the services Emma offers, click HERE.